A blog post in pictures

I don't really have anything new to say that the pictures don't say better: 

Baby girl at 27 weeks 2 days.  I was having some bleeding problems so I got to spend a few hours at the hospital in OB triage. I finally got to have a doctor look at my cervix rather than a nurse, so we got some answers about what was causing it (finally)It was nothing serious and we're all fine and dandy, but they said it will continue through the rest of my pregnancy. yay! :(

Baby girl is starting to get some chub. It's getting harder to get 3D pictures of them because there's almost always something in front of their faces. The next picture shows her taking a drink of amniotic fluid. Yum! 

Baby Girl at 28 weeks 2 days. She's on my left side and has never been head down. They say she's in the "penthouse" because she has  a lot more room than baby boy so she flips around a lot. I think she just makes the room as I'll show you in the next picture. 

So, this is Baby Boy at 28w 2 d as well. He's always head-down like a good little baby. We couldn't get a 3D of him because *something* was in his face. If you look closely, you can see his membrane along his nose and mouth. So what's the blob on the left side? That would be baby girl's foot. While we watched, she repeatedly kicked him in the face. That's how she gets all her extra room...she kicks him into submission until she has lots of space and he's cowering in the corner :) 

The blanket I crocheted for baby girl. It's quite uneven on the edges, so I'm debating taking out the white and yellow and re-doing it. 

Baby Boy's blanket. It looks black/white, but it's actually Aggie Blue/White. GO AGGIES! I might even stitch Utah State University into it...we'll see how ambitious I feel. 

Not the most flattering picture, but this is what 28 weeks looks like. I've gained 25 lbs and my hips are really sore. I wish I could skip that part because I'm most likely going to have a c-section and won't be needing my pelvis to open to let them out, but I'll take it. I'm so glad the little ones are growing like they should and my doctors are finally on the same page so I don't have such a hard time at each visit. 

Thanks for all the continued prayers and support. I know that this pregnancy is going so well because of the prayers from so many people. After an unpleasant non-stress test yesterday, we're hoping to make it to at least 32 weeks. In the meantime, I'm taking it easy at home and tackling my next project: crocheting blessing day blankets. I'll post pictures when I get them done, but here's a sneak-peek:

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Babies Update

So, I've been bad at blogging this pregnancy, but it's been a crazy couple weeks, so I thought I'd do an update. 

First, the good stuff. I've always gained exactly the amount of weight I'm supposed to during my pregnancies. This time around, however, I was really sick so I lost a bunch in the first trimester and have had trouble gaining it back. Finally, at 21 weeks, I'm proud to be putting on weight at kind of an insane pace and officially weigh the most I've ever weighed in my life. Here are the pictures to prove it: 

I know it's hard to tell, but these pictures represent a 7 lb weight gain and the difference of about 1 1/2 inches around my belly.  Also, babies Lytle are finally moving consistently, easing my anxiety and reassuring me that they're there. :)

Now, the non-good part. While I was in Utah this last week I had some problems with bleeding and cramping that landed me on the OB unit at Utah Valley Regional in Provo for a few hours. They didn't do a whole lot except check babies heartbeats and check my cervix. Babies looked good, but my cervix was open a fingertip. Also, I had some bacteria in my urine, so they gave me a single dose of antibiotics and sent me home to take it easy and to follow up with my doc in AZ. Only thing is: my doc couldn't see me for two weeks. 

 

Utah Valley Regional- I sent this pic to Ev to reassure him that I was fine, hence the "Love You"

 When I got home on Saturday, I was having menstrual-like cramping again along with more bleeding. So, I landed in an OB triage unit here in Chandler for another check-up. This time, they did a cervical length that showed my cervix had shortened almost 1 cm in the last 4 weeks. That wasn't a big deal, because it's still long like it should be. But they did decide that I definitely had a UTI that was causing all my problems, so now I'm doing a whole week of antibiotics. I'm feeling a lot better and I'm so glad our little ones are doing well. 

Chandler Regional Medical

 

"Can you count?..."

 We found out we were pregnant again on March 17th. Later that week, my 48hr bHCG (blood test for pregnancy hormone levels) QUADRUPLED (It's supposed to at least double)! We were absolutely thrilled and terrified at the same time. I worried every time I went to the bathroom that I would be bleeding and everything would end. 
     So, I have a lot of people asking what we're doing differently this time to make sure these babies get here with a heartbeat (maybe not in those exact words, but it's implied...) The day I got a + pregnancy test, I started heparin injections. This was something that, after three losses, was one of those, "Well, it won't hurt you, it'll only help you" scenarios. Basically, if I was losing babies due to an undetectable clotting problem, the heparin would probably help. 

That first week was hell. I mean really REALLY bad. It started with fevers. Then the body aches and chills. I missed a couple days of work because I couldn't get off the couch and my fevers were getting higher and higher. By the next Sunday, my fever was 103.5, so we went to the ER. My platelets had dropped 60,000, and my liver enzymes were up (probably because of the fever and tylenol use). It has a name: HIT- Heparin-induced thrombocytopenia. The heparin was making me sick!!! Talk about frustrating...the thing that had given me hope that I could have a normal pregnancy was out the window. It didn't take long for me to get better once I stopped taking it, and now I'm on a regiment of aspirin, a butt-load of folic acid, vitamin D, and fish oil. We have high hopes (and a lot of faith) that these babies are going to be just fine!
 

So the title of this post, "Can you Count?" those are the famous words spoken by Dr. Speak at my 6 week appointment. We saw on the screen the following picture:

 Yes, I can count, and I knew it was twins. We had an unsettling next couple of weeks as we went between appointments with my OB here in K-ville and the perinatologist in Columbia; every time they put the probe on my belly, wondering if there was still going to be two babies.

This picture was labled wrong in CoMo, so I tried to label over it.

 By 10 weeks they were starting to look like babies instead of blobs. Baby B usually gets the shaft because almost every time I went in before 10 weeks (s)he wasn't in a good position.

Having had just one and now two babies at a time, I can definitely say that twins is...much more difficult. Everything happens so much faster, and stretches more painfully. Somedays I just sit all day because my round ligaments hurt too bad to walk. Don't think I'm complaining, though- just comparing. And I'm THRILLED and SO HAPPY to be stretching and hurting because it means these kiddos are growing!

12 weeks 6days. 

This is the perfect example of how baby B is in a bad position for a photo-op.

14W 5D

These babies are fraternal twins which is a lot less risk. (I don't think I could handle any more risk) At 15 weeks, we're feeling grateful for all the pictures we have of our sweet little ones and that we've had so many opportunities to watch them move and kick each other in head. We're in love with our little #3 and #4 children and hope to have an idea of what their genders are next week. I have 3 more scans before I leave Kville, so hopefully we'll know for sure before we leave.

I really need to say thank you for all the support and love we've felt from friends and family; for your prayers, fasts, and words or comfort and love. Random strangers tell us that they'll pray for us, which absolutely fills my heart with love for them. 

Sometimes when I pray I tell Heavenly Father that we've already buried 2 babies and we can't do a 3rd or a 4th. These babies are perfect and we haven't had any complications and hope that it stays that way. In the next few weeks, Evan will be taking his boards and we'll be packing up and moving to Chandler, AZ for 2 years so Ev can complete years 3 and 4 of med school. We're excited and I promise I'll be better at keeping up the blog with updates for the friends far away and the friends we're leaving in Kirksville (*tear).
Much Love!

On the Cheerful Side of Things

I see people around me who are genuinely cheerful. They don't say it with their mouths, their eyes tell that story. Cheerful people have a bright countenance. They hold themselves a little higher, they breathe sweeter air, and they lift up the people around them. I feel as if there's a definite line between me and cheerful...or maybe it's a wall. 

The cheerful side is where I want to be.I feel a draw toward it's inviting embrace, but...I have a weight that's too heavy. My heart feels too full of anger and frustration. Some days I feel downright bitter for the losses I've endured. I feel jealous of the people that aren't grateful for their blessings that I would gladly take off their hands. 

Then I hear a song that turns my world upside down and it comes in a moment of greatest need. My heart responds to music. I feel the Spirit of the God most powerfully when it speaks to me through melody. This particular song is the one God intended for me this week:         

 -Laura Story, "Blessings"

And, of course, there's my favorite hymn:

Father, cheer our souls tonight

Lift our burdens, make them light. 

Let thine all-pervading love 

Shine upon us from above.

Calm the surges of the soul;

Bid the dark waves backward roll. 

Let us all thy mercies feel

Thru the power thou dost reveal.

Bless our loved ones far away;

Grant them health and peace, we pray.

In their hearts let holy light

Beam to guide their steps aright.

Let implicit faith and trust

Help us know thy ways are just. 

May thine ever-tender love

    Lead our hearts to thee above.   

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I know the cheerful side is not an easy place to get to. I know it takes faith and trust in the Savior, and a lot of patience and prayer. It takes looking on the brighter side of things. For instance: "Yeah, my position at work is being downsized so I'll soon be unemployed, but now I get to spend an unexpected 3 weeks with my family in Utah!" or, "This month of trying failed, but now we get to try to make a baby for a whole 'nother month!" (No sarcasm here, I'm genuinely okay, even happy, about these 'setbacks'). And I get to constantly remind myself that a cheerful countenance doesn't happen overnight. I'm still greiving and am still allowed to have bad days. I just wake up the next morning with a prayer in my heart that today is not one of them and I can keep my chin up and practice getting to the cheerful side!

 

       

Little Blessings

So, I had just gotten home from visiting teaching [as women in our church, we visit eachother each month to share our faith and show support to one another = visiting teaching] and sent Evan off to play basketball like he does every wednesday. My puppies started getting excited at the back door and it made me nervous, so I went to lock it. To my surprise, five women were standing on my porch (at first it startled me, but I recognized them, so I recovered quickly). I let them in and they were some young women from the ward. They gave me a plate of cookies with a note:

They told me that they picked 8 women in the ward that exemplified each of the young women values: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue. I about cried! These young women are so inspiring to me. They live in a town where members of our church are grossly outnumbered (which, being from Utah, I'm not used to). Members of the community don't know a lot about our church and some of the things they know are incorrect. But, these youth go to school, serve/work in the community, and uphold the standards of the church and live the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

I'm definitely not writing this post to brag. This experience was a reminder to me that we can have a powerful influence on those around us when we're trying to live righteously. 

I'm only just starting to get back to my normal self after Kayden's death. It's been a long 7 months and I'm feeling better everyday. It would be easier to throw my hands up and wave the white flag; just be done trying and give up. But these girls gave me courage to keep going, to keep trying. I want the people around me to know that I believe in Jesus Christ. 

The following song reminds me that our Heavenly Father is in control; that His plan is in effect in every aspect of our lives:

 "What's mine is yours"- even my Scotlin and Kayden.   

The Never Ending Story

Grief. 

Yes, I talk about grief a lot. It's different than sadness. It's different than pain. It's all encompassing; it affects every part of your being--emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, intellectual. When you experience true grief, logical thought becomes clouded by a seemingly selfish and "stupid" mindset. I'm constantly asking myself, "Really, Whitney? Did you actually just think that?"

Holidays are the worst time of year for those among us who are grieving. It doesn't matter what was lost or how you've been hurt...it's really hard to be thankful on Thanksgiving, cheerful on Christmas, loving on Valentine's Day, or patriotic on Independence day when your're consumed by the "why me?'s" and the "how could this have happened?'s" that accompany grief. From the outside looking in, you might think, "Get over it...move on...learn to deal..." or some other misguided attempt to assist the bereaved. I'm hear to tell you that it doesn't work like that. 

In 2009, I came home from the hospital 2 days before Thanksgiving. I left my son there and walked out with armfuls of flowers rather than a carseat. That was the worst Thanksgiving of my life! 

This year, the day before Father's Day, Evan and I walked out of the hospital with empty arms yet again as Kayden lay in the morgue somewhere in the depths of those halls. 

Ironic holidays to have stillborn babies, I'd say. I don't think we'll ever be able to celebrate them without being more sad than thankful, and more heartbroken than happy. 

Today, I'm grateful for a loving mother who wisely counseled me to keep a journal after Scotlin died. I always thought it would be an insight into grandma's life for my grandchildren. I never thought I'd be reading back through the pages and finding answers for myself after going through this experience already. Who'd have thought you could forget the particulars of this wretched pain? Until I've been reading back over my entries, I had forgotten that I've been here before.

I apologize for my grief a lot. As if it's something that I need to apologize for, when in fact, it's just a part of me that comes with the territory thanks to the crappy things I've had to deal with in my short time on earth so far. But, I know my Savior loves me. I know He walks with me. I know He will take my pain. I just don't know how to give it to Him. That is why grief hurts so bad...it's so hard to give up. 

So I'll keep trying. I know He's willing...I just need to figure out how to let it go.

Three Years Later

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My baby is THREE today!! It's been such a fast, eventful 3 years

The past month has been an emotional one. I'm grateful that I can feel a range of emotions because it has been healthy for me. Grief is unpredictable and annoying, but the process is healing. I've been working hard to accept that and to understand it. Some days have been harder than others; some months have been lower than others. But I'm a stronger, braver person than I was 3 years ago. 

We got to visit the boys today! Something about being in Logan to visit on his birthday makes me feel like a good mom. Otherwise, I'd feel like I'm neglecting him. I know that in the coming years, we won't be able to make it and I'll have to come to grips with that when the time comes. (Probably next June)

We love writing messages to our sweet boys on balloons...

Daddy and his boys. 

We're so grateful to Grandma Roma for keeping their grave looking happy with flowers and decorations each season.  

3 balloons for 3 years! 

To my sweet Scotlin, 

     I had so many dreams for you. I longed to hold you and rock you to sleep; to watch you grow and learn and love. In one moment, those dreams were changed. Your heart stopped beating and our world stopped turning. The most heart-wrenching time of our lives followed as we mourned the loss of life and the experiences on Earth we would not get to have with you. 

    As time has passed, we've learned about the Plan of Salvation in detail that wouldn't have been a priority without this loss. We've grown to love each other and appreciate the lessons and experiences God has given us to help us learn and grow. We've learned about the importance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal our hearts and to make our pain bearable. Please know that we are closer to our Savior because of you. Your life is so important to us and the rest of your family and we will love you Forever and Ever!

Until we meet again, 

Mommy and Daddy

This balloon has all the names of grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins. All the people who love him most!