"Can you count?..."

 We found out we were pregnant again on March 17th. Later that week, my 48hr bHCG (blood test for pregnancy hormone levels) QUADRUPLED (It's supposed to at least double)! We were absolutely thrilled and terrified at the same time. I worried every time I went to the bathroom that I would be bleeding and everything would end. 
     So, I have a lot of people asking what we're doing differently this time to make sure these babies get here with a heartbeat (maybe not in those exact words, but it's implied...) The day I got a + pregnancy test, I started heparin injections. This was something that, after three losses, was one of those, "Well, it won't hurt you, it'll only help you" scenarios. Basically, if I was losing babies due to an undetectable clotting problem, the heparin would probably help. 

That first week was hell. I mean really REALLY bad. It started with fevers. Then the body aches and chills. I missed a couple days of work because I couldn't get off the couch and my fevers were getting higher and higher. By the next Sunday, my fever was 103.5, so we went to the ER. My platelets had dropped 60,000, and my liver enzymes were up (probably because of the fever and tylenol use). It has a name: HIT- Heparin-induced thrombocytopenia. The heparin was making me sick!!! Talk about frustrating...the thing that had given me hope that I could have a normal pregnancy was out the window. It didn't take long for me to get better once I stopped taking it, and now I'm on a regiment of aspirin, a butt-load of folic acid, vitamin D, and fish oil. We have high hopes (and a lot of faith) that these babies are going to be just fine!
 

So the title of this post, "Can you Count?" those are the famous words spoken by Dr. Speak at my 6 week appointment. We saw on the screen the following picture:

 Yes, I can count, and I knew it was twins. We had an unsettling next couple of weeks as we went between appointments with my OB here in K-ville and the perinatologist in Columbia; every time they put the probe on my belly, wondering if there was still going to be two babies.

This picture was labled wrong in CoMo, so I tried to label over it.

 By 10 weeks they were starting to look like babies instead of blobs. Baby B usually gets the shaft because almost every time I went in before 10 weeks (s)he wasn't in a good position.

Having had just one and now two babies at a time, I can definitely say that twins is...much more difficult. Everything happens so much faster, and stretches more painfully. Somedays I just sit all day because my round ligaments hurt too bad to walk. Don't think I'm complaining, though- just comparing. And I'm THRILLED and SO HAPPY to be stretching and hurting because it means these kiddos are growing!

12 weeks 6days. 

This is the perfect example of how baby B is in a bad position for a photo-op.

14W 5D

These babies are fraternal twins which is a lot less risk. (I don't think I could handle any more risk) At 15 weeks, we're feeling grateful for all the pictures we have of our sweet little ones and that we've had so many opportunities to watch them move and kick each other in head. We're in love with our little #3 and #4 children and hope to have an idea of what their genders are next week. I have 3 more scans before I leave Kville, so hopefully we'll know for sure before we leave.

I really need to say thank you for all the support and love we've felt from friends and family; for your prayers, fasts, and words or comfort and love. Random strangers tell us that they'll pray for us, which absolutely fills my heart with love for them. 

Sometimes when I pray I tell Heavenly Father that we've already buried 2 babies and we can't do a 3rd or a 4th. These babies are perfect and we haven't had any complications and hope that it stays that way. In the next few weeks, Evan will be taking his boards and we'll be packing up and moving to Chandler, AZ for 2 years so Ev can complete years 3 and 4 of med school. We're excited and I promise I'll be better at keeping up the blog with updates for the friends far away and the friends we're leaving in Kirksville (*tear).
Much Love!

On the Cheerful Side of Things

I see people around me who are genuinely cheerful. They don't say it with their mouths, their eyes tell that story. Cheerful people have a bright countenance. They hold themselves a little higher, they breathe sweeter air, and they lift up the people around them. I feel as if there's a definite line between me and cheerful...or maybe it's a wall. 

The cheerful side is where I want to be.I feel a draw toward it's inviting embrace, but...I have a weight that's too heavy. My heart feels too full of anger and frustration. Some days I feel downright bitter for the losses I've endured. I feel jealous of the people that aren't grateful for their blessings that I would gladly take off their hands. 

Then I hear a song that turns my world upside down and it comes in a moment of greatest need. My heart responds to music. I feel the Spirit of the God most powerfully when it speaks to me through melody. This particular song is the one God intended for me this week:         

 -Laura Story, "Blessings"

And, of course, there's my favorite hymn:

Father, cheer our souls tonight

Lift our burdens, make them light. 

Let thine all-pervading love 

Shine upon us from above.

Calm the surges of the soul;

Bid the dark waves backward roll. 

Let us all thy mercies feel

Thru the power thou dost reveal.

Bless our loved ones far away;

Grant them health and peace, we pray.

In their hearts let holy light

Beam to guide their steps aright.

Let implicit faith and trust

Help us know thy ways are just. 

May thine ever-tender love

    Lead our hearts to thee above.   

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I know the cheerful side is not an easy place to get to. I know it takes faith and trust in the Savior, and a lot of patience and prayer. It takes looking on the brighter side of things. For instance: "Yeah, my position at work is being downsized so I'll soon be unemployed, but now I get to spend an unexpected 3 weeks with my family in Utah!" or, "This month of trying failed, but now we get to try to make a baby for a whole 'nother month!" (No sarcasm here, I'm genuinely okay, even happy, about these 'setbacks'). And I get to constantly remind myself that a cheerful countenance doesn't happen overnight. I'm still greiving and am still allowed to have bad days. I just wake up the next morning with a prayer in my heart that today is not one of them and I can keep my chin up and practice getting to the cheerful side!

 

       

From an outside perspective.

Tonight, I was watching a show on Hulu. Not the most productive use of my time when I always complain about being busy, but ya know...I felt like being lazy. In this show (to remain unnamed), a waiting-for-her-baby-to-be-delivered mother breaks her arm, and during the exam, the Dr. realizes the baby has died. It doesn't say so immediately, but the mom asks if the baby is alright and the Dr. says, "yeah, baby's just sleeping" and leaves the room. It then shows the Dr. telling another Dr. that the baby has died. I cried. Not gushing tears, like I would've expected, but I cried. Mostly, I felt grateful that a TV show was portraying fetal death at all...it's usually so taboo.
    As the show progresses, there's another scene where the Dr. goes to tell the parents what's really happened. She knew, I'm sure of it...the mom probably knew the whole time, but she tells the Dr., "Say it...I won't believe it until you say it." The camera cuts back and the mom and dad start crying as they hold eachother and the Dr. stands there with her head in her hands. I cried again. I thought that would be the end of that part of the episode, but it wasn't.
    Toward the end, it shows the mom delivering her lifeless baby. The Dr. wraps the baby up and hands her to the mom. Mom takes the baby and holds it tight while her husband holds her and they cry together. I cried again (honestly, most people would).
    The point, you ask? All this time, I have only thought of Scotlin's death from my perspective. Even when my mom tells me about how hard it is to watch her daughter go through something like this. Even when my sisters write blog posts about what it was like to be there with me during my labor and holding my son. Those are real instances, so I don't know why watching a portrayal of it by some actors on TV touched me so much, but as I watched and cried, I realized that I've never given myself credit for this really hard thing I've gotten through. That's not to say I've done it alone, because I've had an amazing support system through it all. But, I made the decision to stay strong. I made the decision to turn to Heavenly Father. I decided to keep going to church and work and school. Like I said, I didn't do these things alone. But even with all the people encouraging me, I could have just said no and stayed in bed for years, never showered, quit my job, ruined my marriage, stayed depressed, and gotten fat (or sickly skinny-one of the two).
   I always told my sisters that I hated it when people told me I was "so strong" because they only saw me then I was at work or church or school and I was dressed with make-up on and going about my days. I just didn't want to hear that I was strong because of all the secret, and often sacred, times when I was sobbing uncontrollably in the corner with matted hair, running make-up, blotchy face and puffy eyes whild I screamed outloud, and eventually prayed to my Father in Heaven that he would just send my son back, or that He would just take all the hurting and aching away. You didn't see me then, and I felt guilty to be called strong when I had such low moments.
  But today, after a stupid show opened my eyes a little more, I actually feel strong. I feel like I've accomplished (rather, am accomplishing) something really important and difficult. Thank you for encouraging me. For telling me I'm strong, even after all those times I asked you not to!

Making New Friends, Finally

So, here in Kirksville (as mentioned in my previous post) the "townies" are those who have lived in KV for a long time. Most of them were raised here and never left, but many came for school and never left. Our ward thus-far has been made up of townies. Great people, don't get me wrong, but they're not in the same demographic as Evan and I. It's been long-awaited, but students and their young families are slowly starting to trickle into town. We've had the pleasure of meeting Dan and Kassidy from Salt Lake City, Ut. They both attended the U. They just got married last month.  We've been able to spend time with them on multiple occasions and I just found out that Kassidy was in Granite Senior Youth (symphony orchestra for our school district back home) when she was in high school. She's the same age as my sister, Julie, and Kassidy and I have many mutual friends thanks to our music endeavors in high school. It's been good getting to know new people and to have new ways to pass the time.


Ev and I toured the ATSU library yesterday. It's nice and quiet.We also saw the OMM (Osteopathic Muscle Manipulation) lab. It's HUGE. I'm most excited for Ev to start learning OMM so he can align my back and make me feel better. I'm really thrilled that he's going to be a DO. Just a few more weeks and school starts! I can't wait.


Our third anniversary is coming up. Ev has to plan it this year and I don't think he's started yet. Maybe this post will give him a little bit of motivation. I can't believe it's been 3 years. It's gone so fast and so much has happened. I feel really blessed to have such a great husband! Love you Ev

Medical School? We shall see!

Many of you know that Evan has been applying and interviewing for admittance to medical school. He's attended two interviews: one at USUHS in Bethesda, Maryland and the other at A.T. Still in Kirksville, Missouri . This week should be the week of promise. He can find out as soon as today and tomorrow if he's been accepted! We're excited and hopeful. He's worked SO hard for SO long and we're praying that his hard work will pay off in the form of ACCEPTANCES!!!

School's in for the semester (finally). For some reason Utah State started a week later than everyone else, so this is our first week back. Evan and I only have classes Tuesday and Thursday, so we've been able to spend lots of time together as well as be more flexible with our work schedule. That means more hours at work, which keeps us extra busy. We're taking a tennis class together as well as Anatomy, so that gives us even MORE time to spend together. The only other class I'm taking is Aerobics, which is proving to be an intense workout. I like it because I sleep better at night when I exercise. So, life is busy, but our days are packed with fun and we've gotten this semester off to a great start.

Oh, I forgot to mention our newest activity: babysitting!!! Some of our best friends, Bobby and Morgan had a baby last September, little Robert. Ev and I are privileged enough to get to babysit a couple hours each day while Morgan's in class and Bobby's at work. We're loving it so far and it's a HUGE help in the healing process for us! Thanks go to Bob and Mo for trusting us with their baby! :)

As always, my prayers and love go out to all of you. Especially Sarah B, Sara J, and Jenna K. I've been thinking about you three a lot lately as well as your precious Benton, Carter and Brynn who are friends with Scotlin in Heaven. I hope you're doing well and I pray for you every night!