Miracle: A Birth Story

I didn't plan to put this off until today. But sitting here thinking about my sweet Scotlin on his 4th birthday while putting the story of his little brother and sister's birth into words seems like a sweet sentiment. A perfect way to remember his life: writing about a happy conclusion to our child-bearing experience that started 4 years ago today. So before I start, I just have to say how grateful I am to be the mother of 4 beautiful children and that Mira and Cole have 2 angels to watch over them.

It was Friday, Oct 18th. I was at my 34 week appointment and had been having more intense contractions than usual, so I asked to be checked. I was a "generous 3cm" dilated and we discussed how dilated I would be when they would no longer stop my labor if it started again. She said that if I came in with stronger contractions and was a 4 or greater, then they would let me deliver. The next day was difficult, because I kept having short bouts of contractions (we're talking 2 or 3 hours at a time) where my contractions would be very painful. We thought about going in, but right about then, the contractions would stop, so we stayed home.

Sunday, Oct 20th, we stayed home from church because my contractions picked up again. Ev checked me (benefit of having a med-student husband) and thought that I was at least a 4, if not more. We decided to go get checked, just in case. It was about 3:30 in the afternoon when we got there. The nurse checked me and said "Yeah, you're having these babies today." I was 5 cm and my bag of waters was bulging. Doctors were called, ultrasound came and checked babies' position, and I was transferred to L&D. Everything happened so fast, I didn't really have any time to prepare. Ev just kept saying, "We're going to have babies today!"

Pretty sure I'd just had my epidural placed

An hour later, at 4:30, I was dilated to a 7 and the doctor came in to chat. Both babies were head down, so we were going to try for a vaginal delivery. For safety purposes, though, they deliver twins in the OR just incase something happens and they need to do a c-section. I had my epidural placed (yay!) and the Dr. came back and broke my water. Over the next hour and a half, my epidural fluctuated between being wonderful and then not numbing my right side, so they put me completely on my right side and it finally resolved! About 7:30, I hadn't progressed past an 8 and my contractions were really weak, so they started pitocin to get things moving again. It worked: in about 10 minutes I felt a lot of pressure and spurting of fluid. I told the nurse I felt weird, so she checked me.  As soon as she did, she said, "okay, DON'T PUSH!" The Dr. had just left because he figured I'd be a little while longer, but  I was complete and Cole's head was really low. The nurse got on the phone and told someone, "She's ready!" Ev changed into his awesome outfit:

I was wisked to the OR where about 20 people rushed around me getting things ready. Someone said, "It's going to feel pretty chaotic, but it's organized chaos. Everyone has a job and it will go really smoothly."

Within minutes, I was told to push. As I was pushing, the Dr. was counting and when she got to 6, she said, "stop, stop, stop". Apparently his head was coming too fast and she didn't want me to tear. After two more pushes, Cole popped out and I heard the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard! He started crying and so did I. I was trying to see him, but they took him straight to the warmer on the other side of the room. Ev went with him and I could see him smiling-a huge grin from ear to ear!

Meanwhile, the ultrasound tech was having a hard time finding Mira's heartbeat. Mira suddenly had so much extra room, she decided to flip sideways. A lot of things could've happened next, but I'm really happy about the way things went down. When Mira flipped, the doctor reached her hand up into my uterus (yes, her WHOLE arm was in there...up to her elbow!), grabbed Mira's feet, and pulled her out. Her head got stuck for about 5 pushes. Just before she came out, they were about to use the forceps. BUT...we got her out without them. I watched as she flopped into the doctor's arms, 4 minutes after her brother, and was subsequently passed onto a NICU nurse who rushed her to the warmer. She didn't cry and that made me cry even harder. But Ev was with her and he was smiling, so I new she was okay. It took a bit of help to get her breathing, but after a few minutes, she had pinked up and was crying! I was sobbing, Evan was sobbing, both babies were warm and breathing. I never imagined this moment would be as happy as it was!! And I didn't even need a c-section! :)

I got to hold Mira for a few minutes but her apgar scores were 4 and 8, so they wanted to take her to the nursery to check her out. Cole got to come with me back to my room. (His apgars were 8 and 9). Ev stayed with Mira so Cole and I got 10 minutes of cuddle time. I noticed that he was grunting a lot and nasal-flaring, so I opened his covers and he was retracting really bad (all indications that he's having a hard time breathing). I told the nurse and she put him under the warmer and put some O2 on him. Unfortunately, cole had fluid in his lungs and had to go to the NICU. That was the hardest part of my whole experience: sitting in my room having just delivered 2 babies and not only did I not get to have them with me, but I was numb from the waist down, so I couldn't go to them either. I'll post about their NICU experience later, but their birth was the most beautiful, happy moment of my life. We got one picture all together not knowing that it would be almost 2 weeks before we'd all be in the same room again. 

So often, Mira and Cole look up at me with such light in their eyes, yet I know they're not looking at me. The vail is thin for babies and I KNOW that they can see angels. It helps that they have Scotlin and Kayden to be with them. I know that these kids love each other and that as Mira and Cole grow up, we'll tell them all about their brothers and how one day we will be a family together forever! 

Right?

I can feel really, truly happy for my friends that are pregnant but at the same time be sad that I'm not, right? Well, for any of my friends that read this and either have babies, or are going to soon have babies, please don't think that I have any bad feelings toward you because of this post, because I definitely don't.

I just really really want to be pregnant and have wanted to be for years now. Yes, years, as in multiple. (I know that some who may read this can never get pregnant or never were able to get pregnant, and I'm not comparing my trials to yours...I'm just having kind of a rough day.) I think that for my personal trial, the fact that my son died suddenly, unexplained just before his due date makes not having a baby just a little more difficult than I thought it would be. Honestly, 2 years ago I was so certain that once we waited the 3 months we were told to wait, we would get pregnant right away because Heavenly Father wouldn't want me to keep hurting this bad, and getting pregnant again was the only thing that would help. And oh my, was I wrong. I can't say why I didn't get pregnant for a year and a half. Maybe it was the depression, maybe it was because I only weighed 102 lbs, or maybe it was my crazy 5p-5a full-time work schedule. All I know is that month after month was torture every time I started my period or didn't start my period til day 40 but kept getting negative pregnancy tests. And then we went on vacation.

Just before we moved and after we quit our jobs, we went on a week and a half trip to visit family. The day we were coming home, I realized that I had been feeling really icky for a few days, but it was only in the afternoons and would go away while I slept at night. I suddenly got really hopeful as I discussed my symptoms with Evan. He wanted me to wait, but I just couldn't...I had to get a pregnancy test. Of course it was positive! I knew it was even before I took the test. Steph knew because she went with me to get the test. The next day-back in Utah- I told my parents. I hadn't planned on telling anyone else, but my mom cried as soon as I walked in the door because she knew it was going to be the last time she saw me for awhile, so I figured telling would ease the pain a bit because I knew she'd be so happy.

My mom went on trek that week with the stake, so I wasn't able to call her on Monday when I started bleeding. It was just spotting, and that was normal, right? I wanted to call my sister and ask, but I still didn't want to tell anyone. I looked it up online and that was NO help.

Wednesday: My Birthday: The day we packed the moving truck to move- I miscarried. I had only just found out I was pregnant-5 1/2 weeks. Why did it hurt so bad? Granted, it didn't feel like a knife in my chest like when Scotlin died...but....we had waited so long and finally caught a break. Now this.

So this whole story is probably irrelevant, but I kind of just wanted to put it out there. No one in my day to day interactions knows about this. Most of them don't even know I'm a mother. It hurts. It's hard to be left out of the "mom chatter" because my son isn't running around and playing with the other kids at playgroup. I'm not pregnant (which I swear everything around here revolves around), so I'm kind of just an outcast. And the worst part is: I can't do a single thing about it. I don't really have anything else to say, but I'm gonna post this anyway just so my blogger buddies can see my human side. If you choose to comment, please don't say anything mean, or downplay my feelings...it doesn't help.

(I'm also not proofreading...sorry)

Just a quick favor

November has been crappy. Granted, I knew it would be. I've been dreading it for the last 11 months and suddenly it's here and I feel like it snuck up on me. But with no thanks to my lack of a time machine, I can't keep Scotlin's birthday from coming and as the day is soon approaching (Nov. 24th), I just have a few favors to ask of my friends: 

Please don't tell me you know how you feel if you don't.

Please don't tell me that my son died because he was perfect or try to rationalize his death in some other way that may make sense to you. 

Please let me cry- as long and as hard as I want to. 

Please don't tell me "at least you can try again." I promise, we've been trying...it's not as easy as people make it out to be.

Please let me talk about my baby.

Please don't change the subject by saying, "on a happier note...".  I hate being made to feel like MY son depresses YOU.

If you don't know what to say, don't say anything. A hug will do just fine. I'd rather sit in silence than hear things that will hurt me. If you don't know whether it will hurt me or not, please don't say it. 

Please feel free to call me. I'd rather not be alone that day.

However, please don't be offended if I have to be alone for a few minutes.

Please try not to feel uncomfortable if I get emotional. If you can't handle a mom crying over her dead son, don't read my blog, and don't come around for a few weeks. 

Please tell me what you remember about him. If you came to the hospital or to his funeral. Or even if you were around when I was pregnant. I love to hear about my son. I LOVE to talk about him. 

If I cry, please don't feel like you have to comfort me. Comfort and peace come with time. If nothing else, just CRY with me!

Please don't forget Evan. He was just as invested in my pregnancy as me and he was just as excited to be a dad as I was to be a mom. Just because he doesn't post on this blog doesn't mean he doesn't hurt every bit as much as I do. 

Please feel free to share your own stories with me. If you or a friend has lost a baby, please feel free to give them my email address, blog address or phone number. It always helps me to meet new angel mommies.

I appreciate all the love and support that we've been given throughout this very difficult, very trying year. Your love and understanding have helped us get through this devastation and helped us to come out on top (for the most part). I love you all!