I haven't been very good at going to church lately. I've probably only gone 1/4 of the time in the past 2 months. It got to be really hard to be in church with SO MANY pregnant women and brand new babies. My heart would ache and I'd go home and cry. Many Sundays, I didn't even make it through the services without crying and I'd have to leave.
As much as my heart was hurting, church is where I needed to be on Sunday. I knew that; I've always known that. Not going was my own conscious decision and it was the wrong one.
SO...this past week, I bucked up and went to church. The high councilman got up to speak and I realized that the last time I went to church was high council Sunday too. (It happens once a month, so that proves how neglectful I've been about attending my meetings. Like I said, please don't judge.)
Anyway, I was listening to his talk and appreciating the hug that my sweet friend, Sara, gave me as she sat down and told me she was so happy I was there. It was so nice to feel that someone cared. Her simple act of love reminded me of this children's primary song:
"Jesus said, 'Love Everyone,
Treat them kindly, too.
When your heart is filled with love,
Others will love you' "
I was suddenly and unexpectedly filled with peace. I hadn't felt so good in a long time!! It's no secret that I'm going through a really rough time. I've been battling depression for years and struggling to understand the unique experiences I've been going through.
November is a really crappy month. It's the entire calendar month, too. Being the anniversary month of the first and last time we held Scotlin just makes it feel unbearable. I cry and cry. I'm sure it will get easier in future years, but this is not that year. (I'm sure next June will start a tradition of sucking just as bad as November.) It's Thanksgiving, right? We're supposed to be joyful, happy and feeling blessed, but the past 3 years I've felt sad, lonely and cheated.
I think I've found a solution!!
Something's gotta give, because I can't shut down for two entire months each year. June and November are neatly separated by (almost) half a year, which gives me ample time for planning and preparing. I've decided that June and November are going to be dedicated to service projects in the names of each of my boys. If I can show love to others when I'm feeling my lowest, I'm sure to feel love from my Heavenly Father. I have a testimony of serving each other and the power it holds to cause change and love in people's hearts. It's a little selfish, but I need this. I'm starting to get items for care packages to send to bereaved families, and I'm SO excited to get them up and running. But this special project will help me focus my energy and talents on remembering my boys and giving something, in their name, for their birthdays to someone in need.
I'm open to ideas! If you think of something that you've seen a need for or that I can try to organize a fundraiser for, please let me know! I've got a few tricks up my sleeve and would be so happy to employ some of my resources for a good cause.
So much love, Whitney
