I haven't been very good at going to church lately. I've probably only gone 1/4 of the time in the past 2 months. It got to be really hard to be in church with SO MANY pregnant women and brand new babies. My heart would ache and I'd go home and cry. Many Sundays, I didn't even make it through the services without crying and I'd have to leave.
As much as my heart was hurting, church is where I needed to be on Sunday. I knew that; I've always known that. Not going was my own conscious decision and it was the wrong one.
SO...this past week, I bucked up and went to church. The high councilman got up to speak and I realized that the last time I went to church was high council Sunday too. (It happens once a month, so that proves how neglectful I've been about attending my meetings. Like I said, please don't judge.)
Anyway, I was listening to his talk and appreciating the hug that my sweet friend, Sara, gave me as she sat down and told me she was so happy I was there. It was so nice to feel that someone cared. Her simple act of love reminded me of this children's primary song:
"Jesus said, 'Love Everyone,
Treat them kindly, too.
When your heart is filled with love,
Others will love you' "
I was suddenly and unexpectedly filled with peace. I hadn't felt so good in a long time!! It's no secret that I'm going through a really rough time. I've been battling depression for years and struggling to understand the unique experiences I've been going through.
November is a really crappy month. It's the entire calendar month, too. Being the anniversary month of the first and last time we held Scotlin just makes it feel unbearable. I cry and cry. I'm sure it will get easier in future years, but this is not that year. (I'm sure next June will start a tradition of sucking just as bad as November.) It's Thanksgiving, right? We're supposed to be joyful, happy and feeling blessed, but the past 3 years I've felt sad, lonely and cheated.
I think I've found a solution!!
Something's gotta give, because I can't shut down for two entire months each year. June and November are neatly separated by (almost) half a year, which gives me ample time for planning and preparing. I've decided that June and November are going to be dedicated to service projects in the names of each of my boys. If I can show love to others when I'm feeling my lowest, I'm sure to feel love from my Heavenly Father. I have a testimony of serving each other and the power it holds to cause change and love in people's hearts. It's a little selfish, but I need this. I'm starting to get items for care packages to send to bereaved families, and I'm SO excited to get them up and running. But this special project will help me focus my energy and talents on remembering my boys and giving something, in their name, for their birthdays to someone in need.
I'm open to ideas! If you think of something that you've seen a need for or that I can try to organize a fundraiser for, please let me know! I've got a few tricks up my sleeve and would be so happy to employ some of my resources for a good cause.
So much love, Whitney
I'm so impressed Whit! To commemorate the loss of your two wonderful boys by devoting yourself to others, while surely difficult, is such a selfless act. I really hope the spirit of the service you're providing sets into your heart to help you through these difficult times. Good luck with your project!
ReplyDeleteI think this is a wonderful idea. I won't pretend to understand all your feelings, but I did spend a few years being sad because other people were having babies. Service is a great way to change your focus to something positive.
ReplyDeleteThat's such a good idea! If you looking for ideas here is one for you... Several years ago my friend unexpectedly lost her daughter several days before her scheduled full term c-section. For the past few years she gets donations of various sizes of the small paper boxes from Hobby Lobby, Michaels and various craft stores. They are made out of a hard paper product, have a lid and are unfinished? She has all her friends over on her daughter's bday and we modge podge scrapbook paper over the entire exterior of the box and add embellishments/flowers/ribbons onto the top of the boxes. These are given to her local hospital to be given to families who have lost babies and hold the plaster molds our hospital makes of hands/feet. Can also hold other special trinkets. She makes them in all sizes. Just an idea if your crafty.
ReplyDeleteI have been following your story for ahwile now (I am a college friend of your sister Crystal) and have been so impressed with your ability to write how so many of us feel in trials and just can't express so honestly and openly. I was in a huge depression last year and couldn't dig myself out. I decided that I needed to do some service and it was amazing how I felt my burdens being lifted as I served those that had served me when I needed it most. Service really does have a powerful healing affect. I can't think of any ideas off the top of my head for you but hope and pray that you will start feeling peace more often as you honor your sweet babies through service.
ReplyDeleteOh Whit, nobody could judge you for that! I'm glad you're realizing that church is where you need to be though. I can't imagine how hard it is to be there (although even with Z and Ty I still squirm during every single baby blessing) but I know that showing Heavenly Father that you are going to go no matter how hard it is will bring you great blessings...even if you don't recognize them right away.
ReplyDeleteI love this idea!! I want to join you in it!! Our ward made birth mother baskets one time and it was so neat! I know it's different, but it might be a good idea for mothers whose arms are empty for a different reason...? I'm totally willing to help, we can do a project when you're here!!! I love you my sweet, beautiful sister.
That is a great idea, Whitney. My sister lost her baby boy 18 days after he was born due to heart issues. Every year, we celebrate 18 days of anonymous service to others in his memory. I know that doing this has really helped her over the years and that you will be stronger for it as well!
ReplyDeleteCan you put together a list of items that might go in a package for bereaved parents? I have some friends who want to do service with their kids this holiday season, and thought that might be a good idea. Is there anyway to find people who have recently lost a baby or child to know who to send a package to?
ReplyDeleteLove you so much! :)
I do not know you but saw this post from a friend of a friend. I delivered my son Aiden this morning at 27 weeks after learning he no longer had a heartbeat yesterday. Three years ago in June I had to bury my daughter Amber who passed away May 29th, 2010. I complete understand what you mean about crappy months, I'm sorry for your losses and think it is an amazing idea to try to not only uplift yourself but honor your sons while serving those in need during an otherwise depressing and trying time of year. Goodluck to you and I hope you have found comfort and assurance that you will be blessed with the opportunity to raise your boys in heaven, a blessing that not everyone has been entrusted with.
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