"Hope Ya Know, I'm Having a Hard Time"...

...Sometimes as I pray to my Father in Heaven, some version of this phrase is blurted from my mouth. Not daily, but on the particularly rough days. He doesn't need me to tell Him, though. I believe that He knows my heart. He knows I'm struggling long before I tell Him myself. 

I also believe that these "hard times" are essential to my growth. For some reason I have to learn some of my hardest life lessons through loss. 

People tell me all the time that they couldn't go through what I've gone through. I promise you that isn't true. If you asked me three years ago, I would have told you, "I could never go through that" too. I am not special. My trial is not easier or harder than yours. I am not more faithful. I am not better or stronger. I'm just different. God asks different things from each of us because we learn and grow in different ways. We could not learn what we needed to learn if we all had the same experiences. 

I'm a total sucker for these "Mormon Messages" videos. They make me cry. Especially when the speaker has a message that's particularly relevant to my situation. But THIS video (it's short, like 3 1/2 minutes) not only made me cry, but motivated me to be a better disciple of my Savior Jesus Christ. 

I have resolved to trust my Savior and to look to Him to help me through my pain, through my sorrow, and through my grief. He understands me. I'm so grateful for Him and the sacrifice He made so that I can have that companionship here on Earth and throughout the eternities!

How Many Pregnancy Tests Does it Take?

...before you find out you are absolutely, positively, FOR SURE not pregnant? I'd say about 23. At least that's how many I'VE taken in the last 3 months. Some would say that's pathetic (I actually kind of think it is myself), but it was a little bit warranted. Next time I'm pregnant I'll have to give myself heparin injections (which I have sitting on a shelf waiting for that day.) So...when my monthly didn't come, I just HAD TO KNOW if I was pregnant so I could start my shots. Of course that little voice inside of me kept saying, 

*{{{God will bless you with a baby. He won't make you wait two years like He did last time"}}}*

Each week that I was still without my hormonally-charged, piece of crap, monthly companion I would take another test...or two. Evan patiently indulged my $5 splurge every time we went to the store. (It's interesting to point out that Wal-mart here in K-town is ALWAYS out of $0.88 pregnancy tests.)

So, I was 2 months and 3 weeks without my friend, spent a buttload of money on pregnancy tests (all were negative), and now here I sit, blogging about being on my period. You're probably thinking I'd be pissed, right? Well, surprisingly I'm not. I'm ThRiLLeD!! Like, really REALLY happy! Why, you might ask? 

Because this week has sucked. Mighty, mighty suckage with a big ol' sucky cherry on top. And a sucky bow. 
                                         

Lately I'm usually about here:

But this week I've felt about here:

It has made me think I was going crazy. 

I'd cry and cry (to the point where I have to shut my office door and just let it all out):

  Then 4 minutes later I'd be so AngRy!!

 I told Evan that I am done. I don't want to be around people, I don't want to go to church, I don't want to believe in a God that lets me hurt this bad and feel so icky. Evan just took it all in stride. He let me cry, then let me yell, and he got mad right alongside me and then he would hold me. (I'm really lucky to have him). Suddenly I'd freak out that I was having crazy mood swings and thought that I must be totally imbalanced.

Until today. All is right with the world today because even though I'm not pregnant, I also am not wondering if I'm pregnant. Even though I'm bleeding, I'm grateful that my body does what it's supposed to. And now I know I'm not a fruitcake. At least not all the time. 

An Answer to an Unsaid Prayer

In my church, we have a huge meeting twice a year called General Conference. We believe in a living prophet that has all the power and authority to speak for God on earth today. This prophet and his apostles are considered special witnesses of Jesus Christ and teach us the things that our Father in Heaven needs us to hear. This is an opportunity to make the necessary changes to adapt to a growing world and to accommodate for the things that God needs his children to focus on in order to prepare to meet him. I look forward to this conference as a time to realign my attitudes and goals with a focus on my Savior and being a better disciple of Him.

This fall as conference approached, I read that one way to prepare for conference is to write down specific questions that I would like to have answered during conference. I have done this before and have been blessed with answers that have directed my life and my decisions.  This time, I couldn't think of a question. But as I pondered, I knew in my heart that I just needed to know that Heavenly Father was mindful of me and the trial I was struggling with. The past month, I've been angry. I have felt cheated and abused; like I've been picked on and forced to endure more heartache than was fair. 

I was scrubbing my bathroom floor while I listened to conference when this talk (above) came on. Elder Bowen described his experience with the death of his son and the pain he and his family endured. EVERY WORD seemed to describe my sorrow in perfect detail. I sat on the floor with my sudsy brush in my gloved hand and sobbed. 

I hadn't written down a question, and I hadn't prayed before conference. My loving Heavenly Father just told me, through Elder Bowen's beautifully expressed words, that He loved me and knows how much I'm hurting. I felt relieved and uplifted. Suddenly the texts, calls, and Facebook messages started pouring in, "I thought of you and your angels during that last talk."

Sometimes I feel so alone, left to grieve my sons' absence with Evan as the rest of the world moves on and we can't. Then I get a nudge like this and am reminded that I'm never alone and have loving, kind family and friends that think of us and pray for us.

I'm grateful that God used Elder Bowen to tell the world that sometimes babies die, and it's heartbreaking. It's devastating. It is not fair. But that there is hope in this bleak existence without them that we are going to see them again. CHILDREN under the age of accountability (8 years old) DO NOT NEED BAPTISM! Jesus Christ loves the children. He implores us to be like them: meek, mild, submissive. How can they be damned?! I'm grateful that I have a knowledge of the fullness of the gospel and that I KNOW my sons are waiting for me. Thank you to all who wrote us, or even thought of us and our angels today. We appreciate it beyond words!

Much Love, 

Whit