Miracle: A Birth Story

I didn't plan to put this off until today. But sitting here thinking about my sweet Scotlin on his 4th birthday while putting the story of his little brother and sister's birth into words seems like a sweet sentiment. A perfect way to remember his life: writing about a happy conclusion to our child-bearing experience that started 4 years ago today. So before I start, I just have to say how grateful I am to be the mother of 4 beautiful children and that Mira and Cole have 2 angels to watch over them.

It was Friday, Oct 18th. I was at my 34 week appointment and had been having more intense contractions than usual, so I asked to be checked. I was a "generous 3cm" dilated and we discussed how dilated I would be when they would no longer stop my labor if it started again. She said that if I came in with stronger contractions and was a 4 or greater, then they would let me deliver. The next day was difficult, because I kept having short bouts of contractions (we're talking 2 or 3 hours at a time) where my contractions would be very painful. We thought about going in, but right about then, the contractions would stop, so we stayed home.

Sunday, Oct 20th, we stayed home from church because my contractions picked up again. Ev checked me (benefit of having a med-student husband) and thought that I was at least a 4, if not more. We decided to go get checked, just in case. It was about 3:30 in the afternoon when we got there. The nurse checked me and said "Yeah, you're having these babies today." I was 5 cm and my bag of waters was bulging. Doctors were called, ultrasound came and checked babies' position, and I was transferred to L&D. Everything happened so fast, I didn't really have any time to prepare. Ev just kept saying, "We're going to have babies today!"

Pretty sure I'd just had my epidural placed

An hour later, at 4:30, I was dilated to a 7 and the doctor came in to chat. Both babies were head down, so we were going to try for a vaginal delivery. For safety purposes, though, they deliver twins in the OR just incase something happens and they need to do a c-section. I had my epidural placed (yay!) and the Dr. came back and broke my water. Over the next hour and a half, my epidural fluctuated between being wonderful and then not numbing my right side, so they put me completely on my right side and it finally resolved! About 7:30, I hadn't progressed past an 8 and my contractions were really weak, so they started pitocin to get things moving again. It worked: in about 10 minutes I felt a lot of pressure and spurting of fluid. I told the nurse I felt weird, so she checked me.  As soon as she did, she said, "okay, DON'T PUSH!" The Dr. had just left because he figured I'd be a little while longer, but  I was complete and Cole's head was really low. The nurse got on the phone and told someone, "She's ready!" Ev changed into his awesome outfit:

I was wisked to the OR where about 20 people rushed around me getting things ready. Someone said, "It's going to feel pretty chaotic, but it's organized chaos. Everyone has a job and it will go really smoothly."

Within minutes, I was told to push. As I was pushing, the Dr. was counting and when she got to 6, she said, "stop, stop, stop". Apparently his head was coming too fast and she didn't want me to tear. After two more pushes, Cole popped out and I heard the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard! He started crying and so did I. I was trying to see him, but they took him straight to the warmer on the other side of the room. Ev went with him and I could see him smiling-a huge grin from ear to ear!

Meanwhile, the ultrasound tech was having a hard time finding Mira's heartbeat. Mira suddenly had so much extra room, she decided to flip sideways. A lot of things could've happened next, but I'm really happy about the way things went down. When Mira flipped, the doctor reached her hand up into my uterus (yes, her WHOLE arm was in there...up to her elbow!), grabbed Mira's feet, and pulled her out. Her head got stuck for about 5 pushes. Just before she came out, they were about to use the forceps. BUT...we got her out without them. I watched as she flopped into the doctor's arms, 4 minutes after her brother, and was subsequently passed onto a NICU nurse who rushed her to the warmer. She didn't cry and that made me cry even harder. But Ev was with her and he was smiling, so I new she was okay. It took a bit of help to get her breathing, but after a few minutes, she had pinked up and was crying! I was sobbing, Evan was sobbing, both babies were warm and breathing. I never imagined this moment would be as happy as it was!! And I didn't even need a c-section! :)

I got to hold Mira for a few minutes but her apgar scores were 4 and 8, so they wanted to take her to the nursery to check her out. Cole got to come with me back to my room. (His apgars were 8 and 9). Ev stayed with Mira so Cole and I got 10 minutes of cuddle time. I noticed that he was grunting a lot and nasal-flaring, so I opened his covers and he was retracting really bad (all indications that he's having a hard time breathing). I told the nurse and she put him under the warmer and put some O2 on him. Unfortunately, cole had fluid in his lungs and had to go to the NICU. That was the hardest part of my whole experience: sitting in my room having just delivered 2 babies and not only did I not get to have them with me, but I was numb from the waist down, so I couldn't go to them either. I'll post about their NICU experience later, but their birth was the most beautiful, happy moment of my life. We got one picture all together not knowing that it would be almost 2 weeks before we'd all be in the same room again. 

So often, Mira and Cole look up at me with such light in their eyes, yet I know they're not looking at me. The vail is thin for babies and I KNOW that they can see angels. It helps that they have Scotlin and Kayden to be with them. I know that these kids love each other and that as Mira and Cole grow up, we'll tell them all about their brothers and how one day we will be a family together forever! 

Three Years Later

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My baby is THREE today!! It's been such a fast, eventful 3 years

The past month has been an emotional one. I'm grateful that I can feel a range of emotions because it has been healthy for me. Grief is unpredictable and annoying, but the process is healing. I've been working hard to accept that and to understand it. Some days have been harder than others; some months have been lower than others. But I'm a stronger, braver person than I was 3 years ago. 

We got to visit the boys today! Something about being in Logan to visit on his birthday makes me feel like a good mom. Otherwise, I'd feel like I'm neglecting him. I know that in the coming years, we won't be able to make it and I'll have to come to grips with that when the time comes. (Probably next June)

We love writing messages to our sweet boys on balloons...

Daddy and his boys. 

We're so grateful to Grandma Roma for keeping their grave looking happy with flowers and decorations each season.  

3 balloons for 3 years! 

To my sweet Scotlin, 

     I had so many dreams for you. I longed to hold you and rock you to sleep; to watch you grow and learn and love. In one moment, those dreams were changed. Your heart stopped beating and our world stopped turning. The most heart-wrenching time of our lives followed as we mourned the loss of life and the experiences on Earth we would not get to have with you. 

    As time has passed, we've learned about the Plan of Salvation in detail that wouldn't have been a priority without this loss. We've grown to love each other and appreciate the lessons and experiences God has given us to help us learn and grow. We've learned about the importance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal our hearts and to make our pain bearable. Please know that we are closer to our Savior because of you. Your life is so important to us and the rest of your family and we will love you Forever and Ever!

Until we meet again, 

Mommy and Daddy

This balloon has all the names of grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins. All the people who love him most!