Three Years Later

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My baby is THREE today!! It's been such a fast, eventful 3 years

The past month has been an emotional one. I'm grateful that I can feel a range of emotions because it has been healthy for me. Grief is unpredictable and annoying, but the process is healing. I've been working hard to accept that and to understand it. Some days have been harder than others; some months have been lower than others. But I'm a stronger, braver person than I was 3 years ago. 

We got to visit the boys today! Something about being in Logan to visit on his birthday makes me feel like a good mom. Otherwise, I'd feel like I'm neglecting him. I know that in the coming years, we won't be able to make it and I'll have to come to grips with that when the time comes. (Probably next June)

We love writing messages to our sweet boys on balloons...

Daddy and his boys. 

We're so grateful to Grandma Roma for keeping their grave looking happy with flowers and decorations each season.  

3 balloons for 3 years! 

To my sweet Scotlin, 

     I had so many dreams for you. I longed to hold you and rock you to sleep; to watch you grow and learn and love. In one moment, those dreams were changed. Your heart stopped beating and our world stopped turning. The most heart-wrenching time of our lives followed as we mourned the loss of life and the experiences on Earth we would not get to have with you. 

    As time has passed, we've learned about the Plan of Salvation in detail that wouldn't have been a priority without this loss. We've grown to love each other and appreciate the lessons and experiences God has given us to help us learn and grow. We've learned about the importance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal our hearts and to make our pain bearable. Please know that we are closer to our Savior because of you. Your life is so important to us and the rest of your family and we will love you Forever and Ever!

Until we meet again, 

Mommy and Daddy

This balloon has all the names of grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins. All the people who love him most!

Turkey Day. And a few pictures. :)

We're fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends during this holiday of love, happiness, and gratitude. We made the trek from Missouri to Utah and have gotten to see all my side of the family and some very dear friends:

At Mom and Dad Epperson's house

My oldest sister, Crystal, and her sweet baby Esther

Evan and Bobby

We were so happy to see Bobby, Morgan and the munchkins. We're so happy to know them and to have gotten the chance to meet up. 

My darling nieces, Alana and Charlotte. 

All my sweet nieces (except the one that's in Wally's belly and won't be here til next year.)

Like I said, so much fun and laughing. Colin and Melissa Jackson came to visit too. It was awesome to see them and hold their 6 week old baby boy, Isaac. Sorry we didn't get a picture! 

I'm a lucky girl to have such loving family that takes good care of me when I'm missing my sweet Scotlin and getting ready to celebrate his THIRD BIRTHDAY on Saturday! We're heading to Logan tomorrow and will be visiting more friends and family including our babies! 

This year (more than ever) I'm grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and the love he has for me. I'm grateful for my forever family and the knowledge I have that my sweet boys are waiting for me and I get to see them again and raise them in the eternities. Hope you all had a wonderful day too! Much love!

Little Life Lessons

I'm going to tell you something that's going to sound awful. Please don't judge me. 

I haven't been very good at going to church lately. I've probably only gone 1/4 of the time in the past 2 months. It got to be really hard to be in church with SO MANY pregnant women and brand new babies. My heart would ache and I'd go home and cry. Many Sundays, I didn't even make it through the services without crying and I'd have to leave. 

As much as my heart was hurting, church is where I needed to be on Sunday. I knew that; I've always known that. Not going was my own conscious decision and it was the wrong one.

SO...this past week, I bucked up and went to church. The high councilman got up to speak and I realized that the last time I went to church was high council Sunday too. (It happens once a month, so that proves how neglectful I've been about attending my meetings. Like I said, please don't judge.)

Anyway, I was listening to his talk and appreciating the hug that my sweet friend, Sara, gave me as she sat down and told me she was so happy I was there. It was so nice to feel that someone cared. Her simple act of love reminded me of this children's primary song:

"Jesus said, 'Love Everyone, 

Treat them kindly, too.

When your heart is filled with love,

Others will love you' "   

I was suddenly and unexpectedly filled with peace. I hadn't felt so good in a long time!! It's no secret that I'm going through a really rough time. I've been battling depression for years and struggling to understand the unique experiences I've been going through. 

November is a really crappy month. It's the entire calendar month, too. Being the anniversary month of the first and last time we held Scotlin just makes it feel unbearable. I cry and cry. I'm sure it will get easier in future years, but this is not that year. (I'm sure next June will start a tradition of sucking just as bad as November.) It's Thanksgiving, right? We're supposed to be joyful, happy and feeling blessed, but the past 3 years I've felt sad, lonely and cheated. 

I think I've found a solution!! 

Something's gotta give, because I can't shut down for two entire months each year. June and November are neatly separated by (almost) half a year, which gives me ample time for planning and preparing. I've decided that June and November are going to be dedicated to service projects in the names of each of my boys. If I can show love to others when I'm feeling my lowest, I'm sure to feel love from my Heavenly Father. I have a testimony of serving each other and  the power it holds to cause change and love in people's hearts. It's a little selfish, but I need this. I'm starting to get items for care packages to send to bereaved families, and I'm SO excited to get them up and running. But this special project will help me focus my energy and talents on remembering my boys and giving something, in their name, for their birthdays to someone in need. 

I'm open to ideas! If you think of something that you've seen a need for or that I can try to organize a fundraiser for, please let me know! I've got a few tricks up my sleeve and would be so happy to employ some of my resources for a good cause. 

So much love, Whitney