Getting Over The Hills

My sisters are both excellent writers and I love reading their blogs. The other day my sister wrote a post that linked back to THIS post about a year ago which seems fitting for me to blog about today. After a couple posts in a row about how terrible my life is, I thought it's probably time for me to find some perspective. This is the picture Julie blogged about that I wanted to share:

My mind seems to believe that God can only give me so many trials before He pours out the blessings. As nice as that would be...it just doesn't work like that. Heavenly Father gives us trials for us to learn and grow. While we're enduring them, it's really hard to see the big picture. Once we get to the top of our hill, we may see a beautiful view and think "Wow, that was totally worth it!" or, like in my case lately, we may see nothing but more and more hills up ahead. One benefit is that when we see those hills, we can look behind us and think, "Well, I just made it up that one...bring it on!" 

The most redeeming quality about these hills and the journey we're all on is that we're not ever alone. We have each other, and we have our Savior who has experienced the good and bad feelings of everything we have gone through or will go through. If, while we're struggling up our hills, we can remember to pray and to think about the view waiting for us at the top, we will endure well and we will be blessed! Happy December everyone!

Much Love

Just Keep Swimming

The past few weeks have been hard. Bearable, of course, and we've even seen the blessings from the trials, but oh my heavens, we're taking a beating down here! Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands up and be done; tell the Lord, "sorry, but I just can't do this anymore!"

For example:

On the way to the Kansas City airport on Nov. 19 (where we would fly to Utah for my brother-in-law's wedding)...

...a suicidal deer decided to wreck our car...

...neither Evan nor I were hurt...

...and thanks to a different flight, President Coleman from the Chillicothe branch who woke up at 4am to take us to the airport, and a  lot of prayers on our behalf...

...we still made it to the wedding on time (with no time to spare...we literally walked into the temple at 1:28 for a 1:30 ceremony)  See:

The happily married couple! Congrats, you two

!

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For some reason, Evan and I are being tested. I'm not sure why. Ever have one of those days where you feel like saying, "How can this possibly get any worse", but you DON'T, because you know as soon as you say that, something else will go wrong. Well, that's how I've felt for the past month. Only problem is...I DID say it. Someone up there has got an awesome sense of humor, because after we dealt with insurance and figured out a rental car, we came back to Kirksville and the plumbing was JACKED. UP. The washer wasn't draining, the toilet was overflowing, the the basement was flooding. SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!????      

Evan moved the utility sink away from the wall and revealed the drain...the source of the flooding. Totally disgusting!

You can't tell by these pictures, but there's a trough around the whole basement that's full of water too, as well as the shower that's in the other room in the basement that's flooded as well.

I'm blessed to have good friends, especially my friend Katie, the author of the blog, "Just Keep Swimming" who understand days like these and blog about the overwhelming feeling so that I can see that I'm totally normal...God tests us all. He can't give us the easy way out, but He can throw us a life jacket that helps make it easier. This is all gonna blow over and everything's gonna be fine!

Much Love

Right?

I can feel really, truly happy for my friends that are pregnant but at the same time be sad that I'm not, right? Well, for any of my friends that read this and either have babies, or are going to soon have babies, please don't think that I have any bad feelings toward you because of this post, because I definitely don't.

I just really really want to be pregnant and have wanted to be for years now. Yes, years, as in multiple. (I know that some who may read this can never get pregnant or never were able to get pregnant, and I'm not comparing my trials to yours...I'm just having kind of a rough day.) I think that for my personal trial, the fact that my son died suddenly, unexplained just before his due date makes not having a baby just a little more difficult than I thought it would be. Honestly, 2 years ago I was so certain that once we waited the 3 months we were told to wait, we would get pregnant right away because Heavenly Father wouldn't want me to keep hurting this bad, and getting pregnant again was the only thing that would help. And oh my, was I wrong. I can't say why I didn't get pregnant for a year and a half. Maybe it was the depression, maybe it was because I only weighed 102 lbs, or maybe it was my crazy 5p-5a full-time work schedule. All I know is that month after month was torture every time I started my period or didn't start my period til day 40 but kept getting negative pregnancy tests. And then we went on vacation.

Just before we moved and after we quit our jobs, we went on a week and a half trip to visit family. The day we were coming home, I realized that I had been feeling really icky for a few days, but it was only in the afternoons and would go away while I slept at night. I suddenly got really hopeful as I discussed my symptoms with Evan. He wanted me to wait, but I just couldn't...I had to get a pregnancy test. Of course it was positive! I knew it was even before I took the test. Steph knew because she went with me to get the test. The next day-back in Utah- I told my parents. I hadn't planned on telling anyone else, but my mom cried as soon as I walked in the door because she knew it was going to be the last time she saw me for awhile, so I figured telling would ease the pain a bit because I knew she'd be so happy.

My mom went on trek that week with the stake, so I wasn't able to call her on Monday when I started bleeding. It was just spotting, and that was normal, right? I wanted to call my sister and ask, but I still didn't want to tell anyone. I looked it up online and that was NO help.

Wednesday: My Birthday: The day we packed the moving truck to move- I miscarried. I had only just found out I was pregnant-5 1/2 weeks. Why did it hurt so bad? Granted, it didn't feel like a knife in my chest like when Scotlin died...but....we had waited so long and finally caught a break. Now this.

So this whole story is probably irrelevant, but I kind of just wanted to put it out there. No one in my day to day interactions knows about this. Most of them don't even know I'm a mother. It hurts. It's hard to be left out of the "mom chatter" because my son isn't running around and playing with the other kids at playgroup. I'm not pregnant (which I swear everything around here revolves around), so I'm kind of just an outcast. And the worst part is: I can't do a single thing about it. I don't really have anything else to say, but I'm gonna post this anyway just so my blogger buddies can see my human side. If you choose to comment, please don't say anything mean, or downplay my feelings...it doesn't help.

(I'm also not proofreading...sorry)

2 Years of Being an Angel Mommy...

...and it still hurts. Do I still wish I'd wake up and it'll all have been an awful dream? yes. Although, I can say that I've learned a lot about myself and my Savior since that awful day. 

        It's all very hard to describe. I think Evan can see the different person I've become. Maybe my family can too. But from any other viewpoint, you'd have a hard time knowing that I've grown and changed so much. My heart has changed. I can consider myself lucky, I guess, because many people who lose a child find that their heart becomes cold and hard. Their view of the world becomes bleak and empty. That happened to me for a while. But, thanks to my knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and also to the numerous prayers that were offered up on behalf of my family, my heart has been able to heal.

        I can think about November 24th, 2009 and be grateful for the events of that day. I can remember the week that followed and see the myriad of blessings that Heavenly Father poured down on my family and me. I can thank the people that took care of me and carried me for so long until I could take care of myself again (which was a long time). And, especially, I can think about my Scotlin, that beautiful, sweet angel that I held in my arms, and even though I cry, I can be grateful that I have a son that is PERFECT! 

       I know where Scotlin is. I know he's busy in heaven doing work for Heavenly Father that he couldn't have done if he was on earth as a bubbly little 2 year-old. I grieve his absence. But I'm so blessed to have a permanent angel watching over my family. I know that he'll be the last one our future children see before they come to Earth. I hope he tells them that we're the best parents ever and that we'll love them just as much as we love him!

       I'm doing well and I'm happy! But sometimes, in quiet moments, I'd love to catch a glimpse of Scotlin. I cry to think that he's in heaven while I'm here missing him. But I'm glad heaven has such a good angel. I think I'm the luckiest momma in the world

Feelin Warm and Fuzzy

The countdown has been running, and It's down to the last TWO WEEKS before we get to go home to Utah! Luckily, Evan's brother Stephen is getting married in Logan, so we'll get to see BOTH SIDES of the family! Meanwhile, our school schedules are absolutely PACKED with tests and practicals. It's a bit stressful, but at least we get an awesome prize at the end of the two weeks, wouldn't ya say? 

Besides getting to see our family, and see Stephen and Bryndel be sealed forever {which is awesome, because we love Bryndel and are so excited she's going to be part of our family}, we get to be in Logan for Scotlin's birthday! Last year, I was sure that it would be years before we'd get to visit him on his birthday, but I was wrong! And very fittingly, his birthday is ON THANKSGIVING! We have so many reasons to be thankful for Scotlin and our FOREVER FAMILY!!!

Also during our trip, we get to spend time with the two oldest of my four younger brothers that are leaving on their MISSIONS on November 30th! Evan is going to Alabama and Ben is going to Washington, DC. I'm so proud of them, and they're both going to be excellent in their search for people to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with! 

 I've been laughing this week while all my friends and family back home are posting pictures of the SNOW in Utah!! I shouldn't though, because the Midwest is supposed to get slammed this winter and they'll all be laughing at me. But for now, I'm enjoying the jacket-weather and taking long walks while taking pictures of the beautiful fall colors!

The sky turned out really pretty in this one...I especially love how the flash illuminated the road sign behind us.

This is right next to our house which is --> direction.

And later that night, like the good students we are, we went to school and studied. Look at how enthusiastic Evan is...he really loves school!

And last-but-should-be-first are our amazing friends Devin and Shanna! We cuddled up and watched Hocus Pocus for Halloween! It was terrific, but I hope they don't care I posted this picture...they didn't even know I was gonna take it.

I know a lot of people feel a change as the end of the year draws nearer. I know that for me I remember, more frequently, to be grateful and to look for joy in my life. I know Evan and I are where Heavenly Father needs us to be, and I'm grateful to serve Him and allow His spirit to be with me. Happy November everyone!

Workin' Our Hiney's Off

Our schedule, you ask? C-R-A-Z-Y. No room to breathe, no vacations, no fresh air, no room for failure, no money-even if we did want to get away, and no real time together. We are loving it!

A couple weeks in when there was no end in sight (c'mon, Ev's looking at at least 4 years of residency, so I've got 8 more years of this) I called home-California home- and Dad Lytle answered the phone. I casually mentioned our lovely schedule and how "I knew it would be hard...I just didn't know it would be this hard". Then came his perfect advice: "Whit, you've got your eyes at the bottom of the boat. You need to look up and fix your eyes on the horizon or you're gonna make your self sick". Ever the fisherman, Dad taught me such an important lesson in a few words. They keep coming back to me, too, as I complain that I never see my husband and that we're never gonna be done with med school. I need to keep a larger perspective that will allow me to see this little moment in the real picture. And I think as Ev and I learn to do this together, we'll grow together.

Now, sadly, I've misplaced my camara, but my next post (hopefully in a couple days) will have pictures of my cute house and of the Halloween blocks I made for the upcoming holiday! Yay!!

aNNivERsAry!

Yesterday was our THIRD wedding anniversary! I'm such a lucky gal. To celebrate, we went to the library {found out it was closed} and headed to walmart. We got all the fixins for a really great salad and went home and played cards. We played a lot of cards. We mostly play gin rummy. We keep a running total of our points. Our goal: pay ourselves a penny-a-point and use the money for next summers vacation. Good idea, right? I thought so too. Anyway, today we worked in the yard and got the house ready for Stephen [Evan's brother], Bryndel [Stephen's fiance] and their friend to come stay with us on their way to Southern Virginia for school tonight. Other than that, we're just getting ready for school and chillin' out. I think the next post will be pictures. Be excited.

Making New Friends, Finally

So, here in Kirksville (as mentioned in my previous post) the "townies" are those who have lived in KV for a long time. Most of them were raised here and never left, but many came for school and never left. Our ward thus-far has been made up of townies. Great people, don't get me wrong, but they're not in the same demographic as Evan and I. It's been long-awaited, but students and their young families are slowly starting to trickle into town. We've had the pleasure of meeting Dan and Kassidy from Salt Lake City, Ut. They both attended the U. They just got married last month.  We've been able to spend time with them on multiple occasions and I just found out that Kassidy was in Granite Senior Youth (symphony orchestra for our school district back home) when she was in high school. She's the same age as my sister, Julie, and Kassidy and I have many mutual friends thanks to our music endeavors in high school. It's been good getting to know new people and to have new ways to pass the time.


Ev and I toured the ATSU library yesterday. It's nice and quiet.We also saw the OMM (Osteopathic Muscle Manipulation) lab. It's HUGE. I'm most excited for Ev to start learning OMM so he can align my back and make me feel better. I'm really thrilled that he's going to be a DO. Just a few more weeks and school starts! I can't wait.


Our third anniversary is coming up. Ev has to plan it this year and I don't think he's started yet. Maybe this post will give him a little bit of motivation. I can't believe it's been 3 years. It's gone so fast and so much has happened. I feel really blessed to have such a great husband! Love you Ev

Thinkin' About My Baby

No, this won't be a pity-me post, I promise. 


Here in K-ville, Evan and I have had the opportunity to meet a guy who's going to be in Evan's class. His name is Clarke. He's investigating the church and asking a lot of questions. On Saturday, Evan had the opportunity to go with the missionaries to teach Clarke about the Plan of Salvation. 

As usual, this has me thinking about Scotlin a lot.


As Scotlin's first birthday came closer and closer last year, I was starting to slip into a pretty severe depression. It wasn't until February 2011 that Ev and I decided we both needed professional help. (I'm not embarrassed to admit this. Trauma --> grief--> getting stuck--> depression--> worse depression--> get help). We started meeting with Tasha. Tasha is a LCSW, and became a great asset to Evan and I and she also became a great friend. After talking through A LOT of our feelings/coping styles and talking about how we were planning on handling the move, we decided, with Tasha's help, that we wanted to keep Scotlin's story to ourselves as we were meeting people/making new friends. This is very reasonable. It makes sense that we don't want our identifier to be "they're the couple whose son died" for the rest of our lives. It's been three weeks, and it's working out okay. But, even 20 months after the fact, it's hard when people ask if I have kids for me to answer, "no" and leave it at that.  Usually, other people's response has been somewhere along the lines of, "yeah, we're not ready for kids either". 


Long (IRRELEVANT) story short: all this has just got me thinking about my beliefs, and I wanted to share them here.


 As children of our Heavenly Father, we have a plan specific to us. Because we can't remember our life before we came to Earth, we don't remember what all our life entails; what joys we'll have/ what trials we'll endure. But this is what I do know: We're here to get a body and then spend our lives proving to Heavenly Father that we can live righteously and return to Him. Some of God's children, like Scotlin, and his friends Benton, Jake and so many others only needed a body to pass their test here on Earth and were required to return home quickly to help out on the other end. But for us left behind, it hurts. It devastating, and heart-wrenching and sometimes it's infuriating. My human brain has a hard time comprehending a plan that requires parents to bury their children. But my heart understands a little better. Somehow, every time I think of Scotlin and his friends, my heart hurts, but is quickly reassured that I agreed to this plan and that I will get to be with Scotlin again someday. And even though I feel alone, missing my sweet little boy, I'm not. My Heavenly Father loves me. He's watching out for me and He's hurting with me. And since He can't be here to put his arms around me and hug me better, He's sent my family and friends to do it for Him. So here's a big shout-out to all of you who have supported me and carried me though this. Even though I whine and complain, I do know that it's going to be okay. Much Love,
Whit

Havin' Fun In K-Town!

Yeah, maybe that's an overstatement. Fun? Maybe not. I mean, it's not missouri-bl (that was lame, but I had to use it just once) but we are struggling to keep ourselves occupied. Here are some things I have learned about my new place of residence:


I got a new driver's license and it made me sad to give up my UT one. (I naively thought they'd let me keep both)


There are A LOT of bugs here. I don't think anyone could have prepared me for this one. My mind was not capable of imagining the vast variety and quantity of creepy crawlies here in the midwest.


In just under 2 hours I can pass through 3 different states.


People that have lived here for a long time indeed do NOT like to be referred to as "townies"


Wal-mart is a staple. Not for nourishment or supplies. For SANITY. It's one of the few places in town where we can go and be around people. Hopefully that will change once school starts.


"Share the road' signs are no longer limited to bicycles. Here in K-Town, the sign has a horse and buggy on it.


Don't stare at the Amish. Apparently they're used to it, but they still don't like it.


Anyway, Kirksville isn't ALL bad. In fact there's one really cool program that, although I haven't officially seen it advertised, is in full swing. Wal-mart must host it because it's the only place I've seen it take place. It's called the "Adopt a Grandparent" program. Oh, you've heard of it? Well, here's the KV version:
    Every time, and I do mean EVERY time, we go to Wally World (2-3 times a day usually) There are elderly gentlemen and ladies sitting on benches at the entrance to the store (right next to the greeter). Evan and I have devised a theory that a person can sign up to adopt one such elderly person for the day, which entails taking them to do their shopping for the week. They get their few items and while you're doing YOUR shopping for the week, they sit on the bench and gossip about the town. (We're in the process of documenting this...pictures to come soon)


But, all joking aside, I'd like to give a shout-out to the WalMart greeters here in KV. Not only are they super nice, but they pull a line of carts out and sanitize the handles for you. If all WalMarts were like the one here, WalMart would have a better name.


We did go to Columbia for the day yesterday and I was able to go to Hobby Lobby, which helped me mellow out a little. I finally have my JEWELRY WEBSITE up and running, though. It will help occupy my time, and *hopefully* be a little source of income. Pictures of our cute house will be coming in the next couple of days. Love you all!

Moving, Packing, Cleaning, ScReaMiNg!!!!

AAhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  I never would have thought that moving could be SO INTENSE!! I have rarely felt so overwhelmed in my life. Between finishing up my last shifts at work and getting to Kirksville, we've got packing, cleaning, travel to Nevada, travel to California, 10K, cancel Logan utilities, start K-ville utilities, clean the carpets, have a birthday party, find a hotel for the 30th, and figure out a gazillion little details in between. On the bright side, I've got a pretty awesome helper in Evan. I'm feeling pretty lucky to have such a good partner in this crazy adventure.

Also, to any of my work friends that read my blog, I want you to know that I just adore you all. I've been very lucky to have such great co-workers to support me in such an interesting/difficult transitional period of my life. The past year has brought so many tears, but infinitely more learning experiences and a lot of happiness. Thanks for taking such good care of me and for supporting me through everything. I will miss you dearly!

Lytle Family Update

No new news, but for those who want to know what's happenin' in the lovely life of Lytle, here's the breakdown:

Our last day of work is June 16th.

We're leaving on a little road trip to visit Grandma and Grandpa Lytle in Nevada on the 17th.

On Sunday, the 19th, we're leaving to California for a last-hoorah-before-we-move at Mom and Dad
Lytle's house. (yes, at this point, I'm starting to feel a whole host of emotions including sad, nervous, excited, ScAreD!!)

We have to be back to Utah by the 24th (we're just staying the night in Bountiful) so we can run our INFANT LOSS 10K on the 25th.

Sunday 26-Tuesday 28, we will be cleaning and packing like a mad couple.

The important day, JUNE 29th...We're having a PARTY!!!  This is our way of bribing our friends to help us pack up the moving truck.  Everything will be on paper plates and eaten with plastic utensils, but we're going to play games and eat BIRTHDAY CAKE (happy birthday to me!) and it will be our last chance to say goodbye, so anyone in Logan should come!

Please feel free to stop by and say hi/goodbye anytime after the 25th. We want to leave without being sad that we didn't get to say goodbye to you.


ANYWAY...I'm so glad we have such wonderful friends and family that helped us celebrate Scotlin on Memorial Day this week. Most of my family came and we had lunch and sent messages to Scotlin in heaven via balloons.

Infant Loss 10K run

So, I just registered Evan and I for this RUN and I'm really excited about it. I only have 7 weeks to get ready for it, but I know I can do it. We're going to have "team Scotlin" shirts and I'm already pumped! If you're interested, let me know and we'll get lots of "team Scotlin" shirts!

WC @ BYU

The ladies on my husband's side of the family have this tradition of going to BYU Women's Conference each year. It's usually the last week in April: kind of a Thursday/Friday gig. Grandma comes up along with Ev's mom and some aunts and cousins and it's basically a big party! This year I thoroughly enjoyed the time I got to spend with these ladies. It's always an uplifting experience and I got to meet my cousin of three years for the first time, Alisa Lytle! She's the BOMB! 

I just wanted to mention my favorite talk. It was by Elder Bednar and everything he said was meant just for me, I'm sure of it. He talked about doing the "small and simple things" consistently rather than doing the big things in bursts. He compared it to a drip system of watering plants where the water goes directly to the roots and none is wasted-vs-those sprinklers (we've all seen them) where the sprinkler is hoping to make the cement grow because it's watering the sidewalk more than anything else. The drip system is much more efficient and we grow more by consistently praying, going to church, and reading our scriptures. I don't want to be a spiritual spurter. I'm going to focus on the small things. 

Start of Women's Conference at the Marriott Center. "We so excited!"

This is a "hug shawl" that I made as part of a service project. It's such a fun time: listen to talks while everyone crochets mittens, scarves and shawls.

My new friend/cousin ALISA LYTLE. She's a doll!

Grandma Lytle, Me, Mom Lytle

Me and Mom again

Alisa Lytle, Aunt Carol, Me, Mom, Grandma Lytle

This is like, 1/4 of the boxes that were filled that night with hygiene, school, and newborn kits.

Day Two: Me and Alisa.

I got to meet JOSH WRIGHT! And it was awesome...listen to his music...it will         change your life!

This is my finished "hug shawl" I liked making it and it was easy. I'll post the instructions if I have a request.

Delicious Butterscotch Rolls

This awesome recipe is circulating through the MB unit between the nursing staff. I heard about it and tried it the next day! Anyway, here's the recipe. It's super easy and SO SO good!


Needs:
 18 Rhodes rolls
 1 package *cook butterscotch pudding   *not instant
 1 stick of butter
 1/2 cup of brown sugar
 1 bundt pan or 2 bread pans


 How:
 Stack 18 frozen rolls in a bundt pan (Or 9 in each of two bread pans). Sprinkle 1/2 package of butterscotch pudding onto the frozen rolls (save the other half for next time) Melt the stick of butter and mix together with the brown sugar, then pour over the top of the rolls. Spray pam onto plastic wrap and cover. You can let the rolls thaw and rise overnight, but they can rise up over the pan and then you have a mess, so I put mine together at 8am and baked them at 1pm. Bake them at 350 for 30 minutes, cool and enjoy!  Here's a couple pictures:

After they'd thawed and risen

After they'd been in the oven for 20 minutes

Fresh out of the oven. They don't look very pretty, but this is the bottom. Once I dumped them out on a plate, they were all gooey and caramelized

Yummy goodness!  Easy to eat, too...just pull 'em  apart!

Try it, you won't be disappointed!

KCOM friends!

Most of you know that I work on the Mother/Baby unit at the hospital here in Logan, UT. In a crazy stroke of luck I got the opportunity to be assigned to take care of Laura Ewell for about an hour the other day. In report the previous nurse had told me that the father of the baby is a med student and I might recognize him. When I went to check on this adorable family, I asked where he went to school. I was SO EXCITED when I found out he went to Kirksville. Not only that, but he had been doing a rotation with our family doctor when my husband went in as a patient so they had already met. It was pretty cool. Anyway, Since I met Laura, she was able to hook me up with Angel Price, the president of SAA. Now I have a whole host of helpful ladies that have been so kind and so accepting.

Here's a shout-out to all my new-found friends on the SAA family website that are fellow blogstalkers. I'm so glad to meet you. And if you're at rotations or graduated and I won't meet you, I'm grateful for your advice and experience! If you're part of the SAA, let me know you stopped by!