My Favorite Lullaby

I sing to my children. All day, every day. We sing funny songs, silly songs, loud songs, and songs about Jesus.  I also sing them the same song every night at bedtime (and sometimes at nap time). It's a song my mom sang my whole life and I've never forgotten:

The Lord will see you walking and He will hear you talking

Talking to your* angels in the sky 

And when you'll know he's near you the Lord will always hear 

you 

Talking to your* angels in the sky. 

Talk to the angels let them hear your plea 

Tell them that you're lonely 

Get down upon your knees 

And pray the Lord will bless you. 

*The song says "the" but we sing "your"

It's a short song with a beautiful melody. When I sing it, I hear my mother's beautiful soprano voice, not my tired one. I sang this song to Scotlin and Kayden when I held them in my hospital beds. {I actually whispered it between sobs}, but in those quiet moments I hoped that eventually I would have children here on earth to sing it to and that the angels in the song would be the brothers that sent them to our family from Heaven. 

With the back-to-school buzz all around me (schools here haven't started yet), I can't help but think about my tiny 6 lb Scotlin who should be starting Kindergarten this year. All those years ago, I though about the milestones that I would miss and the potential heartache that would ensue. Luckily, I was expecting it, but it's different than I thought it would be. I thought I would be angry that I was robbed of these life-events with my angel boys; but, I don't feel any anger. I just feel sad. I feel sad that I don't get to buy his school supplies or pack his lunch or drop him off at school where he is glad to be rid of me but I bawl like a baby when he turns away. 

However, I take solace in my MiraColes. They are not consolation prizes. They are heavenly blessings that I can't imagine life without. I have very real and tangible reasons to teach them about the gospel of Jesus Christ and the Plan of Salvation. Mira and Cole will always know who their celestial cheerleaders are!

The Never Ending Story

Grief. 

Yes, I talk about grief a lot. It's different than sadness. It's different than pain. It's all encompassing; it affects every part of your being--emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, intellectual. When you experience true grief, logical thought becomes clouded by a seemingly selfish and "stupid" mindset. I'm constantly asking myself, "Really, Whitney? Did you actually just think that?"

Holidays are the worst time of year for those among us who are grieving. It doesn't matter what was lost or how you've been hurt...it's really hard to be thankful on Thanksgiving, cheerful on Christmas, loving on Valentine's Day, or patriotic on Independence day when your're consumed by the "why me?'s" and the "how could this have happened?'s" that accompany grief. From the outside looking in, you might think, "Get over it...move on...learn to deal..." or some other misguided attempt to assist the bereaved. I'm hear to tell you that it doesn't work like that. 

In 2009, I came home from the hospital 2 days before Thanksgiving. I left my son there and walked out with armfuls of flowers rather than a carseat. That was the worst Thanksgiving of my life! 

This year, the day before Father's Day, Evan and I walked out of the hospital with empty arms yet again as Kayden lay in the morgue somewhere in the depths of those halls. 

Ironic holidays to have stillborn babies, I'd say. I don't think we'll ever be able to celebrate them without being more sad than thankful, and more heartbroken than happy. 

Today, I'm grateful for a loving mother who wisely counseled me to keep a journal after Scotlin died. I always thought it would be an insight into grandma's life for my grandchildren. I never thought I'd be reading back through the pages and finding answers for myself after going through this experience already. Who'd have thought you could forget the particulars of this wretched pain? Until I've been reading back over my entries, I had forgotten that I've been here before.

I apologize for my grief a lot. As if it's something that I need to apologize for, when in fact, it's just a part of me that comes with the territory thanks to the crappy things I've had to deal with in my short time on earth so far. But, I know my Savior loves me. I know He walks with me. I know He will take my pain. I just don't know how to give it to Him. That is why grief hurts so bad...it's so hard to give up. 

So I'll keep trying. I know He's willing...I just need to figure out how to let it go.

Three Years Later

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My baby is THREE today!! It's been such a fast, eventful 3 years

The past month has been an emotional one. I'm grateful that I can feel a range of emotions because it has been healthy for me. Grief is unpredictable and annoying, but the process is healing. I've been working hard to accept that and to understand it. Some days have been harder than others; some months have been lower than others. But I'm a stronger, braver person than I was 3 years ago. 

We got to visit the boys today! Something about being in Logan to visit on his birthday makes me feel like a good mom. Otherwise, I'd feel like I'm neglecting him. I know that in the coming years, we won't be able to make it and I'll have to come to grips with that when the time comes. (Probably next June)

We love writing messages to our sweet boys on balloons...

Daddy and his boys. 

We're so grateful to Grandma Roma for keeping their grave looking happy with flowers and decorations each season.  

3 balloons for 3 years! 

To my sweet Scotlin, 

     I had so many dreams for you. I longed to hold you and rock you to sleep; to watch you grow and learn and love. In one moment, those dreams were changed. Your heart stopped beating and our world stopped turning. The most heart-wrenching time of our lives followed as we mourned the loss of life and the experiences on Earth we would not get to have with you. 

    As time has passed, we've learned about the Plan of Salvation in detail that wouldn't have been a priority without this loss. We've grown to love each other and appreciate the lessons and experiences God has given us to help us learn and grow. We've learned about the importance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal our hearts and to make our pain bearable. Please know that we are closer to our Savior because of you. Your life is so important to us and the rest of your family and we will love you Forever and Ever!

Until we meet again, 

Mommy and Daddy

This balloon has all the names of grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins. All the people who love him most!