Yes, I talk about grief a lot. It's different than sadness. It's different than pain. It's all encompassing; it affects every part of your being--emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, intellectual. When you experience true grief, logical thought becomes clouded by a seemingly selfish and "stupid" mindset. I'm constantly asking myself, "Really, Whitney? Did you actually just think that?"
Holidays are the worst time of year for those among us who are grieving. It doesn't matter what was lost or how you've been hurt...it's really hard to be thankful on Thanksgiving, cheerful on Christmas, loving on Valentine's Day, or patriotic on Independence day when your're consumed by the "why me?'s" and the "how could this have happened?'s" that accompany grief. From the outside looking in, you might think, "Get over it...move on...learn to deal..." or some other misguided attempt to assist the bereaved. I'm hear to tell you that it doesn't work like that.
In 2009, I came home from the hospital 2 days before Thanksgiving. I left my son there and walked out with armfuls of flowers rather than a carseat. That was the worst Thanksgiving of my life!
This year, the day before Father's Day, Evan and I walked out of the hospital with empty arms yet again as Kayden lay in the morgue somewhere in the depths of those halls.
Ironic holidays to have stillborn babies, I'd say. I don't think we'll ever be able to celebrate them without being more sad than thankful, and more heartbroken than happy.
Today, I'm grateful for a loving mother who wisely counseled me to keep a journal after Scotlin died. I always thought it would be an insight into grandma's life for my grandchildren. I never thought I'd be reading back through the pages and finding answers for myself after going through this experience already. Who'd have thought you could forget the particulars of this wretched pain? Until I've been reading back over my entries, I had forgotten that I've been here before.
I apologize for my grief a lot. As if it's something that I need to apologize for, when in fact, it's just a part of me that comes with the territory thanks to the crappy things I've had to deal with in my short time on earth so far. But, I know my Savior loves me. I know He walks with me. I know He will take my pain. I just don't know how to give it to Him. That is why grief hurts so bad...it's so hard to give up.
So I'll keep trying. I know He's willing...I just need to figure out how to let it go.
I'm glad you kept a journal. I wish Grandma Shafer and Grandma West had, because maybe it would have been helpful to you in your grief. I love you! I wish I knew how to tell you to give Him your grief. :) Maybe someday you'll be ready.
ReplyDeleteWish I could help you, unfortunately it's something you have to do for yourself. Love you Whit and Ev, I wish these holidays could have been at least happier with little Kayden here to play. :(
ReplyDeleteLove you Whit. I follow I blog that I think might really help - www.ablogaboutlove.com
ReplyDeleteI don't think I have ever commented before (I found your blog through Julie's; I am also an adoptive mom), but I truly feel for you and had to tell you so. It is so true what you were saying about the holidays amplifying those most difficult emotions. I am sincerely sorry that you are struggling so much. And though I doesn't fix it, I just had to tell you, from one Whitney to another :), that I am thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking about you and checked out your blog again. I'm so sorry you are still in the midst of this, I hope you can find peace and happiness again. It will get better, keep trusting in Heavenly Father, he loves you and will give you strength. Have you started taking the methyl b's? They are good not only for fertility issues but also used to treat depression. There is a great test called 23andme you can take that will help you see if there are other genetic issues as well. I wish you the best!
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