The Never Ending Story

Grief. 

Yes, I talk about grief a lot. It's different than sadness. It's different than pain. It's all encompassing; it affects every part of your being--emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, intellectual. When you experience true grief, logical thought becomes clouded by a seemingly selfish and "stupid" mindset. I'm constantly asking myself, "Really, Whitney? Did you actually just think that?"

Holidays are the worst time of year for those among us who are grieving. It doesn't matter what was lost or how you've been hurt...it's really hard to be thankful on Thanksgiving, cheerful on Christmas, loving on Valentine's Day, or patriotic on Independence day when your're consumed by the "why me?'s" and the "how could this have happened?'s" that accompany grief. From the outside looking in, you might think, "Get over it...move on...learn to deal..." or some other misguided attempt to assist the bereaved. I'm hear to tell you that it doesn't work like that. 

In 2009, I came home from the hospital 2 days before Thanksgiving. I left my son there and walked out with armfuls of flowers rather than a carseat. That was the worst Thanksgiving of my life! 

This year, the day before Father's Day, Evan and I walked out of the hospital with empty arms yet again as Kayden lay in the morgue somewhere in the depths of those halls. 

Ironic holidays to have stillborn babies, I'd say. I don't think we'll ever be able to celebrate them without being more sad than thankful, and more heartbroken than happy. 

Today, I'm grateful for a loving mother who wisely counseled me to keep a journal after Scotlin died. I always thought it would be an insight into grandma's life for my grandchildren. I never thought I'd be reading back through the pages and finding answers for myself after going through this experience already. Who'd have thought you could forget the particulars of this wretched pain? Until I've been reading back over my entries, I had forgotten that I've been here before.

I apologize for my grief a lot. As if it's something that I need to apologize for, when in fact, it's just a part of me that comes with the territory thanks to the crappy things I've had to deal with in my short time on earth so far. But, I know my Savior loves me. I know He walks with me. I know He will take my pain. I just don't know how to give it to Him. That is why grief hurts so bad...it's so hard to give up. 

So I'll keep trying. I know He's willing...I just need to figure out how to let it go.

Three Years Later

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My baby is THREE today!! It's been such a fast, eventful 3 years

The past month has been an emotional one. I'm grateful that I can feel a range of emotions because it has been healthy for me. Grief is unpredictable and annoying, but the process is healing. I've been working hard to accept that and to understand it. Some days have been harder than others; some months have been lower than others. But I'm a stronger, braver person than I was 3 years ago. 

We got to visit the boys today! Something about being in Logan to visit on his birthday makes me feel like a good mom. Otherwise, I'd feel like I'm neglecting him. I know that in the coming years, we won't be able to make it and I'll have to come to grips with that when the time comes. (Probably next June)

We love writing messages to our sweet boys on balloons...

Daddy and his boys. 

We're so grateful to Grandma Roma for keeping their grave looking happy with flowers and decorations each season.  

3 balloons for 3 years! 

To my sweet Scotlin, 

     I had so many dreams for you. I longed to hold you and rock you to sleep; to watch you grow and learn and love. In one moment, those dreams were changed. Your heart stopped beating and our world stopped turning. The most heart-wrenching time of our lives followed as we mourned the loss of life and the experiences on Earth we would not get to have with you. 

    As time has passed, we've learned about the Plan of Salvation in detail that wouldn't have been a priority without this loss. We've grown to love each other and appreciate the lessons and experiences God has given us to help us learn and grow. We've learned about the importance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal our hearts and to make our pain bearable. Please know that we are closer to our Savior because of you. Your life is so important to us and the rest of your family and we will love you Forever and Ever!

Until we meet again, 

Mommy and Daddy

This balloon has all the names of grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins. All the people who love him most!

Turkey Day. And a few pictures. :)

We're fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends during this holiday of love, happiness, and gratitude. We made the trek from Missouri to Utah and have gotten to see all my side of the family and some very dear friends:

At Mom and Dad Epperson's house

My oldest sister, Crystal, and her sweet baby Esther

Evan and Bobby

We were so happy to see Bobby, Morgan and the munchkins. We're so happy to know them and to have gotten the chance to meet up. 

My darling nieces, Alana and Charlotte. 

All my sweet nieces (except the one that's in Wally's belly and won't be here til next year.)

Like I said, so much fun and laughing. Colin and Melissa Jackson came to visit too. It was awesome to see them and hold their 6 week old baby boy, Isaac. Sorry we didn't get a picture! 

I'm a lucky girl to have such loving family that takes good care of me when I'm missing my sweet Scotlin and getting ready to celebrate his THIRD BIRTHDAY on Saturday! We're heading to Logan tomorrow and will be visiting more friends and family including our babies! 

This year (more than ever) I'm grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and the love he has for me. I'm grateful for my forever family and the knowledge I have that my sweet boys are waiting for me and I get to see them again and raise them in the eternities. Hope you all had a wonderful day too! Much love!

Little Life Lessons

I'm going to tell you something that's going to sound awful. Please don't judge me. 

I haven't been very good at going to church lately. I've probably only gone 1/4 of the time in the past 2 months. It got to be really hard to be in church with SO MANY pregnant women and brand new babies. My heart would ache and I'd go home and cry. Many Sundays, I didn't even make it through the services without crying and I'd have to leave. 

As much as my heart was hurting, church is where I needed to be on Sunday. I knew that; I've always known that. Not going was my own conscious decision and it was the wrong one.

SO...this past week, I bucked up and went to church. The high councilman got up to speak and I realized that the last time I went to church was high council Sunday too. (It happens once a month, so that proves how neglectful I've been about attending my meetings. Like I said, please don't judge.)

Anyway, I was listening to his talk and appreciating the hug that my sweet friend, Sara, gave me as she sat down and told me she was so happy I was there. It was so nice to feel that someone cared. Her simple act of love reminded me of this children's primary song:

"Jesus said, 'Love Everyone, 

Treat them kindly, too.

When your heart is filled with love,

Others will love you' "   

I was suddenly and unexpectedly filled with peace. I hadn't felt so good in a long time!! It's no secret that I'm going through a really rough time. I've been battling depression for years and struggling to understand the unique experiences I've been going through. 

November is a really crappy month. It's the entire calendar month, too. Being the anniversary month of the first and last time we held Scotlin just makes it feel unbearable. I cry and cry. I'm sure it will get easier in future years, but this is not that year. (I'm sure next June will start a tradition of sucking just as bad as November.) It's Thanksgiving, right? We're supposed to be joyful, happy and feeling blessed, but the past 3 years I've felt sad, lonely and cheated. 

I think I've found a solution!! 

Something's gotta give, because I can't shut down for two entire months each year. June and November are neatly separated by (almost) half a year, which gives me ample time for planning and preparing. I've decided that June and November are going to be dedicated to service projects in the names of each of my boys. If I can show love to others when I'm feeling my lowest, I'm sure to feel love from my Heavenly Father. I have a testimony of serving each other and  the power it holds to cause change and love in people's hearts. It's a little selfish, but I need this. I'm starting to get items for care packages to send to bereaved families, and I'm SO excited to get them up and running. But this special project will help me focus my energy and talents on remembering my boys and giving something, in their name, for their birthdays to someone in need. 

I'm open to ideas! If you think of something that you've seen a need for or that I can try to organize a fundraiser for, please let me know! I've got a few tricks up my sleeve and would be so happy to employ some of my resources for a good cause. 

So much love, Whitney  

"Hope Ya Know, I'm Having a Hard Time"...

...Sometimes as I pray to my Father in Heaven, some version of this phrase is blurted from my mouth. Not daily, but on the particularly rough days. He doesn't need me to tell Him, though. I believe that He knows my heart. He knows I'm struggling long before I tell Him myself. 

I also believe that these "hard times" are essential to my growth. For some reason I have to learn some of my hardest life lessons through loss. 

People tell me all the time that they couldn't go through what I've gone through. I promise you that isn't true. If you asked me three years ago, I would have told you, "I could never go through that" too. I am not special. My trial is not easier or harder than yours. I am not more faithful. I am not better or stronger. I'm just different. God asks different things from each of us because we learn and grow in different ways. We could not learn what we needed to learn if we all had the same experiences. 

I'm a total sucker for these "Mormon Messages" videos. They make me cry. Especially when the speaker has a message that's particularly relevant to my situation. But THIS video (it's short, like 3 1/2 minutes) not only made me cry, but motivated me to be a better disciple of my Savior Jesus Christ. 

I have resolved to trust my Savior and to look to Him to help me through my pain, through my sorrow, and through my grief. He understands me. I'm so grateful for Him and the sacrifice He made so that I can have that companionship here on Earth and throughout the eternities!

How Many Pregnancy Tests Does it Take?

...before you find out you are absolutely, positively, FOR SURE not pregnant? I'd say about 23. At least that's how many I'VE taken in the last 3 months. Some would say that's pathetic (I actually kind of think it is myself), but it was a little bit warranted. Next time I'm pregnant I'll have to give myself heparin injections (which I have sitting on a shelf waiting for that day.) So...when my monthly didn't come, I just HAD TO KNOW if I was pregnant so I could start my shots. Of course that little voice inside of me kept saying, 

*{{{God will bless you with a baby. He won't make you wait two years like He did last time"}}}*

Each week that I was still without my hormonally-charged, piece of crap, monthly companion I would take another test...or two. Evan patiently indulged my $5 splurge every time we went to the store. (It's interesting to point out that Wal-mart here in K-town is ALWAYS out of $0.88 pregnancy tests.)

So, I was 2 months and 3 weeks without my friend, spent a buttload of money on pregnancy tests (all were negative), and now here I sit, blogging about being on my period. You're probably thinking I'd be pissed, right? Well, surprisingly I'm not. I'm ThRiLLeD!! Like, really REALLY happy! Why, you might ask? 

Because this week has sucked. Mighty, mighty suckage with a big ol' sucky cherry on top. And a sucky bow. 
                                         

Lately I'm usually about here:

But this week I've felt about here:

It has made me think I was going crazy. 

I'd cry and cry (to the point where I have to shut my office door and just let it all out):

  Then 4 minutes later I'd be so AngRy!!

 I told Evan that I am done. I don't want to be around people, I don't want to go to church, I don't want to believe in a God that lets me hurt this bad and feel so icky. Evan just took it all in stride. He let me cry, then let me yell, and he got mad right alongside me and then he would hold me. (I'm really lucky to have him). Suddenly I'd freak out that I was having crazy mood swings and thought that I must be totally imbalanced.

Until today. All is right with the world today because even though I'm not pregnant, I also am not wondering if I'm pregnant. Even though I'm bleeding, I'm grateful that my body does what it's supposed to. And now I know I'm not a fruitcake. At least not all the time. 

An Answer to an Unsaid Prayer

In my church, we have a huge meeting twice a year called General Conference. We believe in a living prophet that has all the power and authority to speak for God on earth today. This prophet and his apostles are considered special witnesses of Jesus Christ and teach us the things that our Father in Heaven needs us to hear. This is an opportunity to make the necessary changes to adapt to a growing world and to accommodate for the things that God needs his children to focus on in order to prepare to meet him. I look forward to this conference as a time to realign my attitudes and goals with a focus on my Savior and being a better disciple of Him.

This fall as conference approached, I read that one way to prepare for conference is to write down specific questions that I would like to have answered during conference. I have done this before and have been blessed with answers that have directed my life and my decisions.  This time, I couldn't think of a question. But as I pondered, I knew in my heart that I just needed to know that Heavenly Father was mindful of me and the trial I was struggling with. The past month, I've been angry. I have felt cheated and abused; like I've been picked on and forced to endure more heartache than was fair. 

I was scrubbing my bathroom floor while I listened to conference when this talk (above) came on. Elder Bowen described his experience with the death of his son and the pain he and his family endured. EVERY WORD seemed to describe my sorrow in perfect detail. I sat on the floor with my sudsy brush in my gloved hand and sobbed. 

I hadn't written down a question, and I hadn't prayed before conference. My loving Heavenly Father just told me, through Elder Bowen's beautifully expressed words, that He loved me and knows how much I'm hurting. I felt relieved and uplifted. Suddenly the texts, calls, and Facebook messages started pouring in, "I thought of you and your angels during that last talk."

Sometimes I feel so alone, left to grieve my sons' absence with Evan as the rest of the world moves on and we can't. Then I get a nudge like this and am reminded that I'm never alone and have loving, kind family and friends that think of us and pray for us.

I'm grateful that God used Elder Bowen to tell the world that sometimes babies die, and it's heartbreaking. It's devastating. It is not fair. But that there is hope in this bleak existence without them that we are going to see them again. CHILDREN under the age of accountability (8 years old) DO NOT NEED BAPTISM! Jesus Christ loves the children. He implores us to be like them: meek, mild, submissive. How can they be damned?! I'm grateful that I have a knowledge of the fullness of the gospel and that I KNOW my sons are waiting for me. Thank you to all who wrote us, or even thought of us and our angels today. We appreciate it beyond words!

Much Love, 

Whit