From an outside perspective.

Tonight, I was watching a show on Hulu. Not the most productive use of my time when I always complain about being busy, but ya know...I felt like being lazy. In this show (to remain unnamed), a waiting-for-her-baby-to-be-delivered mother breaks her arm, and during the exam, the Dr. realizes the baby has died. It doesn't say so immediately, but the mom asks if the baby is alright and the Dr. says, "yeah, baby's just sleeping" and leaves the room. It then shows the Dr. telling another Dr. that the baby has died. I cried. Not gushing tears, like I would've expected, but I cried. Mostly, I felt grateful that a TV show was portraying fetal death at all...it's usually so taboo.
    As the show progresses, there's another scene where the Dr. goes to tell the parents what's really happened. She knew, I'm sure of it...the mom probably knew the whole time, but she tells the Dr., "Say it...I won't believe it until you say it." The camera cuts back and the mom and dad start crying as they hold eachother and the Dr. stands there with her head in her hands. I cried again. I thought that would be the end of that part of the episode, but it wasn't.
    Toward the end, it shows the mom delivering her lifeless baby. The Dr. wraps the baby up and hands her to the mom. Mom takes the baby and holds it tight while her husband holds her and they cry together. I cried again (honestly, most people would).
    The point, you ask? All this time, I have only thought of Scotlin's death from my perspective. Even when my mom tells me about how hard it is to watch her daughter go through something like this. Even when my sisters write blog posts about what it was like to be there with me during my labor and holding my son. Those are real instances, so I don't know why watching a portrayal of it by some actors on TV touched me so much, but as I watched and cried, I realized that I've never given myself credit for this really hard thing I've gotten through. That's not to say I've done it alone, because I've had an amazing support system through it all. But, I made the decision to stay strong. I made the decision to turn to Heavenly Father. I decided to keep going to church and work and school. Like I said, I didn't do these things alone. But even with all the people encouraging me, I could have just said no and stayed in bed for years, never showered, quit my job, ruined my marriage, stayed depressed, and gotten fat (or sickly skinny-one of the two).
   I always told my sisters that I hated it when people told me I was "so strong" because they only saw me then I was at work or church or school and I was dressed with make-up on and going about my days. I just didn't want to hear that I was strong because of all the secret, and often sacred, times when I was sobbing uncontrollably in the corner with matted hair, running make-up, blotchy face and puffy eyes whild I screamed outloud, and eventually prayed to my Father in Heaven that he would just send my son back, or that He would just take all the hurting and aching away. You didn't see me then, and I felt guilty to be called strong when I had such low moments.
  But today, after a stupid show opened my eyes a little more, I actually feel strong. I feel like I've accomplished (rather, am accomplishing) something really important and difficult. Thank you for encouraging me. For telling me I'm strong, even after all those times I asked you not to!

When Boredom is a Blessing

At many times in my life, I've been so busy for days, weeks, or months on end that when you get some time to relax and not worry about the next shift at work or test/assignment due you feel lazy and you have to keep moving.

Today is not one of those days.  I slept in til 10 and have been sitting here in bed for almost 2 hours (although I did get up and shower) and I don't feel anything but relief to be able to catch my breath and not have anything to do for just one day.

I can't believe school is halfway over. It's been an interesting 5 1/2 months. I am honestly happy that I've had something to do everyday while Evan's been at school and studying, because it's nice having a break from working. But at the same time, I'm excited to be done with school for a little while considering I've only had one semester off in the last 17 years.

I think I'm just gonna take this day for myself. I might take a bath or take a walk. Maybe I'll make some jewelry or do something crafty that I haven't had time to do in awhile. Maybe I'll do all of those things. It's hard to choose!!

Getting Over The Hills

My sisters are both excellent writers and I love reading their blogs. The other day my sister wrote a post that linked back to THIS post about a year ago which seems fitting for me to blog about today. After a couple posts in a row about how terrible my life is, I thought it's probably time for me to find some perspective. This is the picture Julie blogged about that I wanted to share:

My mind seems to believe that God can only give me so many trials before He pours out the blessings. As nice as that would be...it just doesn't work like that. Heavenly Father gives us trials for us to learn and grow. While we're enduring them, it's really hard to see the big picture. Once we get to the top of our hill, we may see a beautiful view and think "Wow, that was totally worth it!" or, like in my case lately, we may see nothing but more and more hills up ahead. One benefit is that when we see those hills, we can look behind us and think, "Well, I just made it up that one...bring it on!" 

The most redeeming quality about these hills and the journey we're all on is that we're not ever alone. We have each other, and we have our Savior who has experienced the good and bad feelings of everything we have gone through or will go through. If, while we're struggling up our hills, we can remember to pray and to think about the view waiting for us at the top, we will endure well and we will be blessed! Happy December everyone!

Much Love

Just Keep Swimming

The past few weeks have been hard. Bearable, of course, and we've even seen the blessings from the trials, but oh my heavens, we're taking a beating down here! Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands up and be done; tell the Lord, "sorry, but I just can't do this anymore!"

For example:

On the way to the Kansas City airport on Nov. 19 (where we would fly to Utah for my brother-in-law's wedding)...

...a suicidal deer decided to wreck our car...

...neither Evan nor I were hurt...

...and thanks to a different flight, President Coleman from the Chillicothe branch who woke up at 4am to take us to the airport, and a  lot of prayers on our behalf...

...we still made it to the wedding on time (with no time to spare...we literally walked into the temple at 1:28 for a 1:30 ceremony)  See:

The happily married couple! Congrats, you two

!

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For some reason, Evan and I are being tested. I'm not sure why. Ever have one of those days where you feel like saying, "How can this possibly get any worse", but you DON'T, because you know as soon as you say that, something else will go wrong. Well, that's how I've felt for the past month. Only problem is...I DID say it. Someone up there has got an awesome sense of humor, because after we dealt with insurance and figured out a rental car, we came back to Kirksville and the plumbing was JACKED. UP. The washer wasn't draining, the toilet was overflowing, the the basement was flooding. SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!????      

Evan moved the utility sink away from the wall and revealed the drain...the source of the flooding. Totally disgusting!

You can't tell by these pictures, but there's a trough around the whole basement that's full of water too, as well as the shower that's in the other room in the basement that's flooded as well.

I'm blessed to have good friends, especially my friend Katie, the author of the blog, "Just Keep Swimming" who understand days like these and blog about the overwhelming feeling so that I can see that I'm totally normal...God tests us all. He can't give us the easy way out, but He can throw us a life jacket that helps make it easier. This is all gonna blow over and everything's gonna be fine!

Much Love

Right?

I can feel really, truly happy for my friends that are pregnant but at the same time be sad that I'm not, right? Well, for any of my friends that read this and either have babies, or are going to soon have babies, please don't think that I have any bad feelings toward you because of this post, because I definitely don't.

I just really really want to be pregnant and have wanted to be for years now. Yes, years, as in multiple. (I know that some who may read this can never get pregnant or never were able to get pregnant, and I'm not comparing my trials to yours...I'm just having kind of a rough day.) I think that for my personal trial, the fact that my son died suddenly, unexplained just before his due date makes not having a baby just a little more difficult than I thought it would be. Honestly, 2 years ago I was so certain that once we waited the 3 months we were told to wait, we would get pregnant right away because Heavenly Father wouldn't want me to keep hurting this bad, and getting pregnant again was the only thing that would help. And oh my, was I wrong. I can't say why I didn't get pregnant for a year and a half. Maybe it was the depression, maybe it was because I only weighed 102 lbs, or maybe it was my crazy 5p-5a full-time work schedule. All I know is that month after month was torture every time I started my period or didn't start my period til day 40 but kept getting negative pregnancy tests. And then we went on vacation.

Just before we moved and after we quit our jobs, we went on a week and a half trip to visit family. The day we were coming home, I realized that I had been feeling really icky for a few days, but it was only in the afternoons and would go away while I slept at night. I suddenly got really hopeful as I discussed my symptoms with Evan. He wanted me to wait, but I just couldn't...I had to get a pregnancy test. Of course it was positive! I knew it was even before I took the test. Steph knew because she went with me to get the test. The next day-back in Utah- I told my parents. I hadn't planned on telling anyone else, but my mom cried as soon as I walked in the door because she knew it was going to be the last time she saw me for awhile, so I figured telling would ease the pain a bit because I knew she'd be so happy.

My mom went on trek that week with the stake, so I wasn't able to call her on Monday when I started bleeding. It was just spotting, and that was normal, right? I wanted to call my sister and ask, but I still didn't want to tell anyone. I looked it up online and that was NO help.

Wednesday: My Birthday: The day we packed the moving truck to move- I miscarried. I had only just found out I was pregnant-5 1/2 weeks. Why did it hurt so bad? Granted, it didn't feel like a knife in my chest like when Scotlin died...but....we had waited so long and finally caught a break. Now this.

So this whole story is probably irrelevant, but I kind of just wanted to put it out there. No one in my day to day interactions knows about this. Most of them don't even know I'm a mother. It hurts. It's hard to be left out of the "mom chatter" because my son isn't running around and playing with the other kids at playgroup. I'm not pregnant (which I swear everything around here revolves around), so I'm kind of just an outcast. And the worst part is: I can't do a single thing about it. I don't really have anything else to say, but I'm gonna post this anyway just so my blogger buddies can see my human side. If you choose to comment, please don't say anything mean, or downplay my feelings...it doesn't help.

(I'm also not proofreading...sorry)

2 Years of Being an Angel Mommy...

...and it still hurts. Do I still wish I'd wake up and it'll all have been an awful dream? yes. Although, I can say that I've learned a lot about myself and my Savior since that awful day. 

        It's all very hard to describe. I think Evan can see the different person I've become. Maybe my family can too. But from any other viewpoint, you'd have a hard time knowing that I've grown and changed so much. My heart has changed. I can consider myself lucky, I guess, because many people who lose a child find that their heart becomes cold and hard. Their view of the world becomes bleak and empty. That happened to me for a while. But, thanks to my knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and also to the numerous prayers that were offered up on behalf of my family, my heart has been able to heal.

        I can think about November 24th, 2009 and be grateful for the events of that day. I can remember the week that followed and see the myriad of blessings that Heavenly Father poured down on my family and me. I can thank the people that took care of me and carried me for so long until I could take care of myself again (which was a long time). And, especially, I can think about my Scotlin, that beautiful, sweet angel that I held in my arms, and even though I cry, I can be grateful that I have a son that is PERFECT! 

       I know where Scotlin is. I know he's busy in heaven doing work for Heavenly Father that he couldn't have done if he was on earth as a bubbly little 2 year-old. I grieve his absence. But I'm so blessed to have a permanent angel watching over my family. I know that he'll be the last one our future children see before they come to Earth. I hope he tells them that we're the best parents ever and that we'll love them just as much as we love him!

       I'm doing well and I'm happy! But sometimes, in quiet moments, I'd love to catch a glimpse of Scotlin. I cry to think that he's in heaven while I'm here missing him. But I'm glad heaven has such a good angel. I think I'm the luckiest momma in the world

Feelin Warm and Fuzzy

The countdown has been running, and It's down to the last TWO WEEKS before we get to go home to Utah! Luckily, Evan's brother Stephen is getting married in Logan, so we'll get to see BOTH SIDES of the family! Meanwhile, our school schedules are absolutely PACKED with tests and practicals. It's a bit stressful, but at least we get an awesome prize at the end of the two weeks, wouldn't ya say? 

Besides getting to see our family, and see Stephen and Bryndel be sealed forever {which is awesome, because we love Bryndel and are so excited she's going to be part of our family}, we get to be in Logan for Scotlin's birthday! Last year, I was sure that it would be years before we'd get to visit him on his birthday, but I was wrong! And very fittingly, his birthday is ON THANKSGIVING! We have so many reasons to be thankful for Scotlin and our FOREVER FAMILY!!!

Also during our trip, we get to spend time with the two oldest of my four younger brothers that are leaving on their MISSIONS on November 30th! Evan is going to Alabama and Ben is going to Washington, DC. I'm so proud of them, and they're both going to be excellent in their search for people to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with! 

 I've been laughing this week while all my friends and family back home are posting pictures of the SNOW in Utah!! I shouldn't though, because the Midwest is supposed to get slammed this winter and they'll all be laughing at me. But for now, I'm enjoying the jacket-weather and taking long walks while taking pictures of the beautiful fall colors!

The sky turned out really pretty in this one...I especially love how the flash illuminated the road sign behind us.

This is right next to our house which is --> direction.

And later that night, like the good students we are, we went to school and studied. Look at how enthusiastic Evan is...he really loves school!

And last-but-should-be-first are our amazing friends Devin and Shanna! We cuddled up and watched Hocus Pocus for Halloween! It was terrific, but I hope they don't care I posted this picture...they didn't even know I was gonna take it.

I know a lot of people feel a change as the end of the year draws nearer. I know that for me I remember, more frequently, to be grateful and to look for joy in my life. I know Evan and I are where Heavenly Father needs us to be, and I'm grateful to serve Him and allow His spirit to be with me. Happy November everyone!