I remember-

I could probably look this up before I write this post, but I'm not sure of the history of Memorial Day or exactly why it's celebrated. But I do know that in our family, from this Memorial Day on, we will celebrate the precious life of our sweet baby Scotlin.

I remember a year ago when I was only (almost) 3 months pregnant with him. I hadn't yet felt him move, but I knew he was there. I had pictures of him and I had had the opportunity to hear his little heart beating 160 BPM.

I remember the doctor saying, "at this point in your pregnancy you have less than a 3% chance of miscarriage. I remember thinking that was a silly thing to say to a pregnant woman; who would ever want to hear their chances of having their pregnancy abort itself.

I remember at my 15 week mark I had felt Scotlin move. [It was a magical experience that I will never EVER take for granted. Besides that awful November day when I wanted nothing in the world more than to feel him move, I know the pain that comes to those who will never, in this life, have the opportunity to bear their own children.]

I remember at my 17 week mark, he was kicking hard enough that Evan was able to feel him move too. My pregnancy progressed perfectly and without too much complaint. I had the typical discomforts but I choose not to dwell on those.

I remember taking baths to relax and Scotlin would do somersaults and kick like nobody's business. I like to think back on those times and say, that because he moved so much when mommy was in the bath, that he liked to take baths too.

I remember singing to my baby and he would stop and listen. I know my little boy heard my voice and I know he knew it was his mommy singing to him.

I remember when he got strong enough that when he'd kick it would hurt me. Without fail, Evan would touch my belly and tell Scotlin to settle down and he'd do it. He is a very obedient little boy.

I remember praying that I'd be a good mom and that I'd be able to love this baby enough and that he'd never doubt I loved him.

I remember the love I felt when I held him in my arms for the first time. No sadness, and no circumstance could have changed that love. I was a simple feeling. I was holding an angel and I knew my Savior was holding me.

While some may see Memorial Day as a day to remember the dead, I will forever see it as a day to remember the life of my precious son who was too valiant, too strong, too noble and too pure to come to this world. He learned everything he needed to know and had all the experience that was required of him while he was growing inside of me. For this, I will be grateful and for my Savior, I will ever be thankful; it's because of him that I get to have my son for all of eternity. Rest well, Prince. I love you forever!

Happy 6 month Heavenly Birthday to Scotlin!

So, this post might end up being sad, not because I'm a sad person, but the situation is not the happiest in the world. Now that I've given you a fair warning, I wanted to post pictures of mine and Evan's bike ride to First Dam this last weekend. We have a friend who's sister moved to Provo for the summer and didn't want to cart her bike down there so she's letting me use it for the summer and it's been SO FUN!!!

We really are best friend!

So, today is May 23rd. It's usually not a very significant day. It's not highlighted on calendars, or celebrated, or really even recognized except as just another day in May. But in our house, it has great significance because it was 6 months ago today that we found out our little boy had died. At 2:00 that afternoon I had been admitted to Labor and Delivery at Logan Regional Hospital and my labor had been induced. I was struggling with the realization that my son had died and that I would still have to go through the treacheries of labor. (I know, I make that sound worse that it was). I was so blessed that night to have my husband, parents, siblings, close friends and our loving bishop and his wife near as we dealt with the loss, the sadness and tears, the pain, and the heartache. Tomorrow we will celebrate his 6 month Heavenly Birthday as he was born at 3am on November 24th. A couple months ago I was feeling very conflicted one night. I felt sad that Scotlin was gone but it was one of those days were I was able to see the "big picture" and I just knew in my heart that this pain would be short-lived and we would see him again soon. That's when I jotted this down in my journal:

My little angel

My darling child born sleeping,

The moment I said goodbye

Your fellow angels were weeping

My heart felt heavy

And my eyes shed tears

Though I knew you'd stay with me

In the coming years

The days are the worst

When my arms ache to hold you

Nothing softens the pain

And comforts are few

Your daddy's here with me.

Sometimes he cries

Each time I see his pain

A part of me dies

There's only one thing

That I can find

To bring comfort and peace to my mind:

Two-thousand year ago

Jesus gave his life,

So we could be together 

After all this strife

And because mommy and daddy

Were sealed together
Our little family
Will last FOREVER!

So I hope you can't wait
'Til this trial in life is done,
And you'll get the biggest hug ever
From your loving Mom!

I love you little Scotlin!

If anyone wants to share memories or thoughts about Scotlin, you're welcome to send them to me at whitlee.e@hotmail.com


 

I stink at blogging

Hello there everybody! A lot has happened in the last few weeks, so I'm sorry I haven't been keeping the 'ol blog. Here's a little glimpse of the past few weeks:

WOMEN'S CONFERENCE:  I attended BYU Women's Conference with my mother- and grandmother-in-law at the end of April. If you've never been, there's no way to describe it. It's a very uplifting experience, and nice (although interesting) to be around 15,000 other faithful women. The service project is always my favorite part. I made a new friend named Crystal. Her husband had registered her for a birthday present and then stayed home with the kids so she could attend. Next year, Women's Conference is the 28-29 of April if anyone wants to go!

I GOT A NEW JOB: YAY!!!  This is the 2nd best news of the past few weeks. I had two interviews and I honestly didn't think I'd get the offer, but I did. I'll be working on the mom and baby unit at Logan Regional Hospital. I was so blessed with compassionate, loving staff that took care of me while I was in the hospital after having Scotlin, so I feel very fortunate to have gotten a job doing what I love with some of the most amazing women I've ever met.  Many people have mentioned, "are you sure you're ready for that?", and "wow, don't you think that will be hard?". The answer is YES to both. It will be very challenging...in fact, I'm sure some days will be downright difficult. But I'm also positive that this is the right step for me to take in my life and I know that the Lord will bless me to be able to handle the difficulties I'll face so that I can bless the lives of women and their families the way my nurses blessed me.

EVAN GRADUATED: This is the BEST news- Evan graduated from USU on May 8th. He received his bachelors in Biology with a minor in Chemistry. For now the plan is for him to work for the next year at Sunshine Terrace 40 hrs a week unless we can find him a job doing something else. This winter, he'd like to get a job up at the ski resort as a ski instructor. I think he'd enjoy it, so we'll see if that works out. Other than that, he'll just work so I can finish school.

MOTHERS DAY:  I knew this was going to be a hard day for me, and I was right. I almost didn't go to church that morning because I was sad, but Heavenly Father had different plans. Just as I was telling Evan that I didn't think I wanted to go to church, my phone whistled at me. (It does that when I get a text message) It was a counselor in the bishopric asking me to meet with the bishop just before church. Of course I couldn't say no. He extended a calling as 1st counselor in the Relief Society presidency, which I accepted. I'm excited for the opportunity to serve. We have an absolutely amazing ward, and especially an amazing RS president, so I probably won't have to do anything. :)  After church, we were lucky enough to have Autumn, Doug, Morgan, Bobby and little Robert over for games and dessert. We're very lucky to have such amazing friends and they helped keep me happy and busy so I didn't feel too sad. As hard as that day was, they made it all better. I do feel very fortunate and very humbled to have an ANGEL for a son. Scotlin is perfect and beautiful. I feel his presence every day and I know he is doing important work for our brothers and sisters in the gospel on the other side of the veil. I love him more that words can express.

Here are some pictures, because...let's be honest...most people don't read blogs, they just look at the pictures! :)

Lately

I've kind of been stuck in a rut. I guess that happens to the best of us at one point or another, but this one's getting harder and harder to get out of. Here's an example of my typical day:

Stay in bed til 11:30 or noon; usually the only reason I even get up is because I'm bored of lying there. Evan has usually been up since 6:30 or 7 and he's gone to class and come home already.

Sometimes I shower after getting up but usually I just lounge around the house in my PJ's until something comes up that causes me to get ready for the day like work.

If it's a Monday or a Friday I go to work at 2:30 and am there til 10:30 so that pretty much shoots the rest of my day to heck. When I come home Evan and I might chill, or watch the Discovery channel until we feel tired and eventually go to bed around midnight or 1 am.

2-3 hours after that, I'm lucky if I'm asleep. Usually I lie awake for hours on end feeling sorry for myself that Scotlin's not here and for the fact that I can never get to sleep once I'm in bed. This is bad, you see, because being up til 4 or 5 in the morning just feeds the cycle of sleeping til noon and wasting my day away.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are the worst because I'm lucky if I even shower or eat let alone make it out of the house.

I remember in primary singing "Early to bed and early to rise will make a man healthy and wealthy and wise". I believe it, I really do, but somehow my broken heart, my melted brain and my washed-up body can't sync up well enough for me to find the motivation to do the things that will jump start me back onto that healing path; that path where I can find beauty in things again, see a baby without crying, go outside and feel happy that the sun is shining, and get out of bed without feeling that the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders.

And then Heavenly Father sent me a message:

On Saturday, Evan and I were asked to meet with the Stake President and the Area Authority Seventy. We couldn't figure why they wanted to see us, but it turned out that they just wanted to talk about Scotlin and to see how we were doing. During our 30 minute "talk" they both bore their testimonies that we would be with Scotlin again, and they assured us that they, as well as Heavenly Father, are still aware of us and of our pain and our heartache. They told us that we had a special kind of faith that is going to help us through this trial. Then our Stake President prayed for us--and I cried.

I guess the moral of the story is that no matter how low you sink, Our Savior will always be willing to stoop to our level to bring us back up again. I know He's still with us, just the same as Scotlin is still with us. I know He catches my tears and He cries with me. I know He isn't trying to punish us. And most importantly, I know we will be with Scotlin again. For now I'll just consider him lucky that he has the easiest babysitting job any of our kids will ever have...cause right now all his siblings are angels :) 

Lifetime Products Spring Craft Contest!!

Hey everyone!! I'm entering a contest. I posted earlier in the month about my Poopy Ducks; now I'm going to post the instructions so everyone can make them! The only way this contest will work is if you go to the website and VOTE FOR ME! I'll put the link at the end of this post!



Poopy Duck Instructions

Body
Ch 5 and join with a slip stich

Row 1- Ch 1 make 4 puff stiches in middle of chain ring

Row 2- Ch 1 make a puff stitch in next space between puff stitches. *make 2 puff stitches in same space. Repeat from * around. Slip stitch into first puff stitch (8 puff stitches total)

Row 3- Ch 1 make a puff stitch. In next space between puff stitches make *1 puff st, next space make 2 puff stitches in same space. Repeat from * around and slip stitch into first puff stitch. (12 puff stitches total)

Row 4- Ch 1 make a puff stitch. In next space between puff stitches make * 1 puff stitch. Next space make 1 puff stitch. Next space make 2 puff stitches in same space. Repeat from * around and slip stitch to first puff stitch. (16 puff stitches total)

Row 5- Chain 1 make a puff stitch. In next space make * 1 puff stitch. Repeat from * around and slip stitch to first puff stitch.

Rows 6-10 - repeat row 5

Row 11- Chain 3 *dc on top of puff stitch and in between puff stitches. Repeat from * around and slip stitch on top of first dc.

Row 12- Chain 3 and dc in each dc around. Slip stitch into first dc and fasten off.

Head

Chain 5 and join with slip stitch

Row 1- Chain 1 make 4 puff stitches in chain ring. join to top of first puff stitch with a slip stitch

Row 2- Chain 1 make a puff stitch in next space between puff stitches. * make 2 puff stitches in same space. Repeat from * around and slip stitch to first puff stitch (8 puff stitches total)

Row 3- Chain 1 make a puff stitch in next space between puff stitches. * make 1 puff stitch in next space, make 2 puff stitches in next space. Repeat from * around and slip stitch to first puff stitch. (12 puff stitches total)

Row 4- Chain 1 make a puff stitch. In next space between puff stitches, * make 1 puff stitch. Repeat from * around and slip stitch to first puff stitch.

Beak

chain 8 - sc- 2 dc - 3 tc - 2 dc - sc, fasten off

- - - -
Once all components are made, sew beak to head and head to body. For the tail, I crochet a chain of 50-60 and thread it through the body between rows 10 and 11 (right between the puff stitches and the double crochet stitches. Fill with your favorite candy and pull drawstring shut! These make GREAT Easter basket gifts as well as decorations for spring. You can also attach this poem:

I am your little poopy duck
And this is what I'll do:
Just squeeze my sides together
And I'll drop a treat for you

NOW! The really important part:
If it is between April 16th and April 22nd, click the link below and vote for ME!

http://blog.lifetime.com/lifetime365/

Thanks everyone!

Fun Flowers

I've been learning to enjoy rather than despise crocheting. It's come over time and after a lot of practice, but it's by far one of my more favorite ways to spend my free time. My sister, Crystal, sent me this link and I just had to try it. Here are some pictures how mine turned out. I just connected them to alligator clips and you can stick 'em in your hair. If you want to buy one, I can make one for you for a few dollars, just contact me.

5 times...FIVE

Some of you out there, including the nurses I work with, may think I'm a little too worried about this. But I'm getting really freaked out about this whole phlebotomy thing. My class starts this Wednesday and I'm trying to prepare for it...I even started Yoga so I can maybe start to manage my breathing thinking that might help me not pass out so much. Anyway, tonight just before I left work, one of my residents required a few viles of blood to be drawn for routine testing for medication she's on. Third times a charm? I think not. It took FIVE needle sticks to get 3 viles of blood. Not only that, but 3 nurses. I tried to watch, really I did, but I got too queasy and had to leave. One of the nurses was digging around in her arm with the needle to try and find a vein. Needless to say, I'm just that much more nervous about Wednesday. Oh man...