Moving, Packing, Cleaning, ScReaMiNg!!!!

AAhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  I never would have thought that moving could be SO INTENSE!! I have rarely felt so overwhelmed in my life. Between finishing up my last shifts at work and getting to Kirksville, we've got packing, cleaning, travel to Nevada, travel to California, 10K, cancel Logan utilities, start K-ville utilities, clean the carpets, have a birthday party, find a hotel for the 30th, and figure out a gazillion little details in between. On the bright side, I've got a pretty awesome helper in Evan. I'm feeling pretty lucky to have such a good partner in this crazy adventure.

Also, to any of my work friends that read my blog, I want you to know that I just adore you all. I've been very lucky to have such great co-workers to support me in such an interesting/difficult transitional period of my life. The past year has brought so many tears, but infinitely more learning experiences and a lot of happiness. Thanks for taking such good care of me and for supporting me through everything. I will miss you dearly!

Lytle Family Update

No new news, but for those who want to know what's happenin' in the lovely life of Lytle, here's the breakdown:

Our last day of work is June 16th.

We're leaving on a little road trip to visit Grandma and Grandpa Lytle in Nevada on the 17th.

On Sunday, the 19th, we're leaving to California for a last-hoorah-before-we-move at Mom and Dad
Lytle's house. (yes, at this point, I'm starting to feel a whole host of emotions including sad, nervous, excited, ScAreD!!)

We have to be back to Utah by the 24th (we're just staying the night in Bountiful) so we can run our INFANT LOSS 10K on the 25th.

Sunday 26-Tuesday 28, we will be cleaning and packing like a mad couple.

The important day, JUNE 29th...We're having a PARTY!!!  This is our way of bribing our friends to help us pack up the moving truck.  Everything will be on paper plates and eaten with plastic utensils, but we're going to play games and eat BIRTHDAY CAKE (happy birthday to me!) and it will be our last chance to say goodbye, so anyone in Logan should come!

Please feel free to stop by and say hi/goodbye anytime after the 25th. We want to leave without being sad that we didn't get to say goodbye to you.


ANYWAY...I'm so glad we have such wonderful friends and family that helped us celebrate Scotlin on Memorial Day this week. Most of my family came and we had lunch and sent messages to Scotlin in heaven via balloons.

Infant Loss 10K run

So, I just registered Evan and I for this RUN and I'm really excited about it. I only have 7 weeks to get ready for it, but I know I can do it. We're going to have "team Scotlin" shirts and I'm already pumped! If you're interested, let me know and we'll get lots of "team Scotlin" shirts!

WC @ BYU

The ladies on my husband's side of the family have this tradition of going to BYU Women's Conference each year. It's usually the last week in April: kind of a Thursday/Friday gig. Grandma comes up along with Ev's mom and some aunts and cousins and it's basically a big party! This year I thoroughly enjoyed the time I got to spend with these ladies. It's always an uplifting experience and I got to meet my cousin of three years for the first time, Alisa Lytle! She's the BOMB! 

I just wanted to mention my favorite talk. It was by Elder Bednar and everything he said was meant just for me, I'm sure of it. He talked about doing the "small and simple things" consistently rather than doing the big things in bursts. He compared it to a drip system of watering plants where the water goes directly to the roots and none is wasted-vs-those sprinklers (we've all seen them) where the sprinkler is hoping to make the cement grow because it's watering the sidewalk more than anything else. The drip system is much more efficient and we grow more by consistently praying, going to church, and reading our scriptures. I don't want to be a spiritual spurter. I'm going to focus on the small things. 

Start of Women's Conference at the Marriott Center. "We so excited!"

This is a "hug shawl" that I made as part of a service project. It's such a fun time: listen to talks while everyone crochets mittens, scarves and shawls.

My new friend/cousin ALISA LYTLE. She's a doll!

Grandma Lytle, Me, Mom Lytle

Me and Mom again

Alisa Lytle, Aunt Carol, Me, Mom, Grandma Lytle

This is like, 1/4 of the boxes that were filled that night with hygiene, school, and newborn kits.

Day Two: Me and Alisa.

I got to meet JOSH WRIGHT! And it was awesome...listen to his music...it will         change your life!

This is my finished "hug shawl" I liked making it and it was easy. I'll post the instructions if I have a request.

Delicious Butterscotch Rolls

This awesome recipe is circulating through the MB unit between the nursing staff. I heard about it and tried it the next day! Anyway, here's the recipe. It's super easy and SO SO good!


Needs:
 18 Rhodes rolls
 1 package *cook butterscotch pudding   *not instant
 1 stick of butter
 1/2 cup of brown sugar
 1 bundt pan or 2 bread pans


 How:
 Stack 18 frozen rolls in a bundt pan (Or 9 in each of two bread pans). Sprinkle 1/2 package of butterscotch pudding onto the frozen rolls (save the other half for next time) Melt the stick of butter and mix together with the brown sugar, then pour over the top of the rolls. Spray pam onto plastic wrap and cover. You can let the rolls thaw and rise overnight, but they can rise up over the pan and then you have a mess, so I put mine together at 8am and baked them at 1pm. Bake them at 350 for 30 minutes, cool and enjoy!  Here's a couple pictures:

After they'd thawed and risen

After they'd been in the oven for 20 minutes

Fresh out of the oven. They don't look very pretty, but this is the bottom. Once I dumped them out on a plate, they were all gooey and caramelized

Yummy goodness!  Easy to eat, too...just pull 'em  apart!

Try it, you won't be disappointed!

KCOM friends!

Most of you know that I work on the Mother/Baby unit at the hospital here in Logan, UT. In a crazy stroke of luck I got the opportunity to be assigned to take care of Laura Ewell for about an hour the other day. In report the previous nurse had told me that the father of the baby is a med student and I might recognize him. When I went to check on this adorable family, I asked where he went to school. I was SO EXCITED when I found out he went to Kirksville. Not only that, but he had been doing a rotation with our family doctor when my husband went in as a patient so they had already met. It was pretty cool. Anyway, Since I met Laura, she was able to hook me up with Angel Price, the president of SAA. Now I have a whole host of helpful ladies that have been so kind and so accepting.

Here's a shout-out to all my new-found friends on the SAA family website that are fellow blogstalkers. I'm so glad to meet you. And if you're at rotations or graduated and I won't meet you, I'm grateful for your advice and experience! If you're part of the SAA, let me know you stopped by!

Scotlin's Story

 It’s not easy to live in the past. Always wishing, always hoping; but when it comes down to it, you just can’t change what’s already happened.  Even after the most difficult and tragic experiences, at some point you have to move forward. Life doesn’t stop or slow down to allow for grieving. You just have to learn (over time) to gain perspective and keep on living while you grieve. That’s been the story of my life for the last year:

November 23, 2009. It was 4:00 am and I woke suddenly. In that early morning haze something was nagging me-I couldn’t feel Scotlin moving. At 38 weeks pregnant and having had an ideal, no-complication pregnancy I really had no reason to worry. I’d been contracting for weeks and I was already dilating.  This baby was ready to come. The nurses had said that his sleep/wake cycles were changing  so he should be sleeping more. Also, he was really cramped in such a little space so he didn’t have much room to move. But still, I couldn’t figure out why I had been wakened so suddenly or what it was that made me realize he wasn’t moving-I had been asleep so why should I have known, right? Still, I woke Evan up and told him. He, sleepily, told me to go drink some water. Still, Scotlin didn’t move. So, I ate some cereal. After 15 minutes I decided to just relax in a warm bath. He ALWAYS moved when I took baths. But this time he didn’t. At 5:00am I finally fell back asleep and once I woke up to get ready for classes I felt sure that my early morning worries were over and that he must have moved while I slept.

Evan and I went about our day going to classes. Every once in a while I’d realize that I hadn’t been paying attention and I was sure he’d moved. A few times I was tempted to call the doctor, but I had an appointment at 3:30 so I decided to wait. Finally, at 1:30, Evan and I were done with classes and I picked him up from school. I told him about my day and that, even though I’d justified it all day, I didn’t think I’d felt the baby move. We decided to make the call. They said to come to the office and they’d check things out. Evan called work and told them he might be late, which they were okay with.

We waited in the lobby for 20 minutes and I started crying thinking about the bad things that might be wrong. Dr. Horsley did my exam and he told me I was dilated to a 3+ and that he wouldn’t be surprised if I went into labor during the week. Before he left he said, “Oh yeah, let’s listen to the heartbeat.” (Something he usually checked very first). I mentioned to him that I didn’t think I’d felt the baby move all day and that was the reason I had come in early. He was surprised and said that nobody had told him and he didn’t even know I was there early. When he couldn’t find the heartbeat I started to cry. He was very reassuring and said, “Everything’s okay, let’s just go do an ultrasound.” He turned on the machine and once he placed the probe on my tummy, the first thing he saw was Scotlin’s heart—it wasn’t beating. Solemnly, he turned to us and simply said, “I’m sorry.” No one breathed. No one spoke. No one blinked. For an eternity, which was really just half a second, my heart stopped and my world came crashing down.  Evan was sobbing at my side, and Dr. Horsley said, “This never happens.” Apparently he was wrong, because it happened. He had to go get Dr. Olsen to “confirm” but once Dr. Horsley came back I was in complete physical and emotional shock. My eyes were open but all I saw was black. I was lying on my back and I said, “I’m going to throw up”. Dr. Horsley helped me roll over on my side and after a few seconds Evan was there too and we just cried together. Dr. Horsley, being a very spiritual man and knowing we shared the same religious beliefs started talking about where Scotlin’s spirit was and the important work he must be needed for. He told us that Scotlin was perfect and since we had given him the blessing of a physical body, he didn’t need anything else from this life because he already had it all. Dr. Horsley left us to be alone for a few minutes and we were to just come out when we were ready and his MA would be waiting. While we were alone, I was able to stop crying long enough to call work and tell them why Evan wouldn’t be coming in. Lucky for us, Edd Harris answered. He was one of Evan’s direct supervisors and he and his wife had lost two baby boys so he knew exactly what we were going through. He said he’d take care of everything and not to worry about our shifts until we were ready to call and let them know. The next phone call I made was to Evan’s mom. I didn’t think I would be able to get the words out if I called my own mom and I knew Steph would have the ability to get there fast and to spread the word to all our other family. When she first answered the phone, I couldn’t talk. But once I told her that Scotlin had died, she didn’t believe me. I needed her to call my dad so he could let my family know. After finishing the call we left the room.

The MA apologized and told us that, even though it would be hard, we’d have to walk through the lobby because there was no other way to get upstairs. It was like a walk of shame, but with knives stabbing into my heart. Ten pregnant women, at least, and their little children were in the lobby. With tears streaking down my face, I sobbed as soon as we walked out and I realized what all these women had that I didn’t: a baby with a heartbeat. They didn’t know why I was crying or where I was going, and I’m sure they didn’t/couldn’t have guessed if they thought anything about it at all.

I was admitted on the Labor and Delivery floor and settled into my bed. My nurse was Aubrey Johnson and I will forever be grateful that it was her. When we started talking after my IV fluids were started, I asked her if she liked being an L&D nurse. She had her back to me but when she turned around she was crying and she said, “most days.”  

The details of my labor are fuzzy. With the pitocin going to progress my labor, ativan through my IV to keep me calm, my epidural, and the stress and shock of the situation, you could say I was more than a little doped up. My mom and dad came first, (I think) and Julie and Lance. Autumn, Doug, Bobby and Morgan came too. My relief society president, Jessie Hylton called to check on me because we hadn’t talked in awhile. I know she was inspired to call. She asked how I was doing and I started bawling. I told her that I came to the doctor and they told me my baby had died. She hadn’t known why she needed to call me, but I did. She was able to relay the message to our bishop, Scott Wilcock, and he and his wife, Kathy, came to the hospital to be with us. They sat with our family and were a huge comfort to Evan and I.

At 3:03am on November 24, 2009, Scotlin’s little body came into the world. I don’t remember seeing him until after his bath, which Evan helped with. I didn’t even get to hold him first, which I will always regret. He was 6lbs exactly and 20 ½ inches long. He had lots of dark hair and beautiful little lips. A photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and took pictures for us. Share Parents came and made molds of his hands and feet. We were able to hold Scotlin for a few hours until they transferred me to the Mother/Baby unit. Candice Livingston and Mollie Johnson were my nurses and they took great care of me. They brought Scotlin back to us and some of our family and friends were able to come back and hold Scotlin. I know it was an important moment for them to be able to hold their nephew and grandson, but it was very important to us as well. There are a small handful of people on this Earth who have seen our son and know that he exists and is real.

Leaving the hospital at 4pm on Tuesday was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I carried a baby for 8 ½ months and I didn’t get to bring him home with me like every other mom. I sobbed the whole way home. When I walked in my front door, I fell to the ground because the heartache was too much to stand. I looked through the kitchen into the spare room and Scotlin’s bassinet was sitting there mocking me. My baby would never lay in it. Friends came and visited and flowers were sent but everything was a blur. On Friday, Evan, Mel, Steph (Evan’s parents) and I went to the mortuary to dress Scotlin. We had gotten a little white outfit for him with matching booties. I had made a quilt, intended for bringing him home from the hospital in, but it would now be used to bury him. After we dressed him I got one last chance to hold him. My heart was already broken so by this point it was just being shattered to pieces with every passing second. I kissed him, talked to him and after Mel placed him in his casket, we left the mortuary.

The funeral was a blur too. I saw everything happen through tear-streaked eyes. At the cemetery, I placed my corsage on his tiny casket and Evan and I clung to each other. The rest is history. The year has passed so fast that I can’t say much about it. I remember a lot of pain, and more tears than should be allotted a person in a lifetime. But there has also been so much love and peace as well. We’ve had a lot of support from family and friends and we will forever be grateful for those that remember Scotlin and his short life on this Earth. Sorry this has been so long and sorry I didn’t post it on his birthday…It’s taken me days to write because I keep stopping to cry. He was buried with his quilt from his mommy so it's like I'm still holding him. We also placed our wedding picture with him so he'll never forget us and we'll always be with him no matter when we go.