Just a quick favor

November has been crappy. Granted, I knew it would be. I've been dreading it for the last 11 months and suddenly it's here and I feel like it snuck up on me. But with no thanks to my lack of a time machine, I can't keep Scotlin's birthday from coming and as the day is soon approaching (Nov. 24th), I just have a few favors to ask of my friends: 

Please don't tell me you know how you feel if you don't.

Please don't tell me that my son died because he was perfect or try to rationalize his death in some other way that may make sense to you. 

Please let me cry- as long and as hard as I want to. 

Please don't tell me "at least you can try again." I promise, we've been trying...it's not as easy as people make it out to be.

Please let me talk about my baby.

Please don't change the subject by saying, "on a happier note...".  I hate being made to feel like MY son depresses YOU.

If you don't know what to say, don't say anything. A hug will do just fine. I'd rather sit in silence than hear things that will hurt me. If you don't know whether it will hurt me or not, please don't say it. 

Please feel free to call me. I'd rather not be alone that day.

However, please don't be offended if I have to be alone for a few minutes.

Please try not to feel uncomfortable if I get emotional. If you can't handle a mom crying over her dead son, don't read my blog, and don't come around for a few weeks. 

Please tell me what you remember about him. If you came to the hospital or to his funeral. Or even if you were around when I was pregnant. I love to hear about my son. I LOVE to talk about him. 

If I cry, please don't feel like you have to comfort me. Comfort and peace come with time. If nothing else, just CRY with me!

Please don't forget Evan. He was just as invested in my pregnancy as me and he was just as excited to be a dad as I was to be a mom. Just because he doesn't post on this blog doesn't mean he doesn't hurt every bit as much as I do. 

Please feel free to share your own stories with me. If you or a friend has lost a baby, please feel free to give them my email address, blog address or phone number. It always helps me to meet new angel mommies.

I appreciate all the love and support that we've been given throughout this very difficult, very trying year. Your love and understanding have helped us get through this devastation and helped us to come out on top (for the most part). I love you all!

One of those grieving moments

I've never been one to celebrate Halloween. As a kid, I'd dress up and parade around the neighborhood for that pillowcase full of goodies. That's all Halloween ever was to me and I was fine with it. I've never been one to seek out thrills or scares, so I don't watch horror movies or go to haunted houses. I even avoid the corn mazes each October because I don't like being lost in some random field with 100 other strangers and a man with a chainsaw jumping out at every corner. In my adult life so far, I've dressed up once and that happened to be last year. Evan and I both had to work and we were scheduled to work on the same wing, which was just an added benefit. I dressed up like a lady bug and Evan dressed up as a pirate.

At 35 weeks pregnant, I had a huge belly and complained ALL the time about how I just couldn't wait to not be pregnant anymore. (Hind-sight is 20/20, right?) After experiencing a loss, people tell you that the Holiday's will be hard. I assumed that meant Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. But now I know that it means ALL Holidays. I know what you're thinking; why would Halloween make the loss of your baby hard? I mean, there's no sense of family or home on Halloween that would make you miss your baby, right? Wrong. This time last year, I saw all the trick-or-treaters and wondered what I would dress Scotlin as next year.  I carved pumpkins with friends and joked that they were as big as my belly.  This year, people around me complain about having to take their kids trick-or-treating, when I would take their place in an instant if it meant Scotlin was alive and here with me. I know this has become my little soap-box: the "appreciate what you have because you never know who would give anything to have it too" but I just feel a sense of longing today for my little boy and part of me thinks that if you knew how bad I missed him, you would never utter a word of complaint about your own children. No one except Evan sees me in the depth of the night when I sob and ache and lie awake because my full-term, 6 pound and perfectly healthy son died suddenly, unexpectedly and for no reason other than a stupid accident. He turned one-too-many times and the cord was too tight.  I was in labor for 12 hours and had to leave the hospital with a blanket and flowers. Never underestimate the grief of a mother missing her child. And it's not just on Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or a birthday or an anniversary. It's Halloween too, and it's EVERY day. 

A Rainy Day Adventure

      Rain. LOTS of rain. Evan left on Friday on a hunting trip with his dad and uncles so I have had the pleasure of staying home...alone...with Lacy...and rain. Really, though, it hasn't been that bad. I've worked a lot and played/napped with Lacy a lot. Today, though, we thought we'd have an adventure. Since the leaves have been turning, I've wanted to go around Logan and find the prettiest trees. Since I have Lacy, we made a walk (a really LONG walk) out of it. So, I set out on the town with an umbrella, a leash, a camera and a grocery bag (which eventually was full of poop). Sound fun? Well it was, and it was profitable in the end because I came out with these beauties: 

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I don't have any picture editing software, so what you see are the raw pictures that I took in the rain.

All of these trees are within a few blocks of my house. I LOVE living in Logan!

Cute little Lacy. It took forever to get a picture of her. Every time I'd point the camera at her, she'd get shy and look away.

Some of my Favorite Things

       When dealing with grief and trying to heal one's broken heart, it becomes necessary to turn your focus and attention, at least every once in a while, toward the things that make you happy. The reason for this is grief has a tendency to swallow you whole and poop you out without a second thought. You lie there wondering "how on earth could this have happened to me?" and "where's the rulebook for getting through this?"  As time passes-days become weeks, weeks become months-you're left with a hole in your heart the size of Texas, people have come and gone, and often times you're surrounded by people who haven't the slightest clue as to what you're feeling or that you may be hurting in the first place.  Each individual experiences grief in their own way. But as I've been caught up in my own grief for the last 11 months I've realized the importance of reminding myself of the happiest things in life too:

~ Evan (He always has to be first)

~Watching the leaves change in the Fall

~ Road trips ~Caprisuns

~ Children ~ Family ~ Tripod

~ Lacy (the newest member of my favorite things club)

~ Ben and Jerry's Halfbaked ice cream 

~ Watermelon in the summer

~ When the color of my shirt changes my eye color 

~ Aggie Basketball ~ Celtic Music ~ Funny Jokes 

~ Talking about Scotlin

~ Thunderstorms ~ Getting unexpected visitors

~ Breath taking photography

~ Having a clean house 

~ When the cashier talks to me like I'm important to them 

~ Late night walks

~ Laughing so hard that I cry ~ Running into an old friend 

~ Crying just because it's easier to let it out than to hold it in

~ Having friends that would do anything for me 

~ Hot baths ~ Good books ~ Yummy-smelling lotion

Those are just a few. Special thanks to my family (especially you, Julie and Crystal) and wonderful friends that make the hard times easier and the worst times bearable.

 

Frankenstein Trick-or-Treat bag

My sister sends me these crochet patterns and I love to test my ability by at least trying them. I'm still a novice so they're usually "easy" patterns. I managed to whip this one out in just a couple hours and I think it turned out pretty cute. I'm thinking I need to make a pumpkin one next. It can be used for trick-or-treating, or even as a candy dish if you don't trick-or-treat at your house. I might just put some stuffing in it and leave it out on the porch. If you can do a half-double crochet stitch, YOU CAN MAKE THIS! Google "half double crochet" and 'the Stitch Witch' will show you if you don't already know. Fun and Festive, what more could you want?! If you make one, I'd love to see your finished product. Email me pictures to whit.lytle@gmail.com. Here's the LINK for the pattern and a picture of the man of the hour:

That Time of the Month Again

Here it is again, the 24th of the month. As I'm preparing to go to work for the night, I'm thinking about my little angel and about what a blessing he is in my life. Evan and I went to the cemetery and had a picnic with Scotlin for his 9 month birthday. I can't believe it's been 9 months since the day we held him in our arms for the first time. His precious, lifeless body that brought us so much joy but also so much sorrow. 

No pain in my life has equaled the moment I saw his motionless heart on the screen. When the doctor was speechless for any words except, "I'm sorry". When, after delivery, I held him for the first time and wanted it all to be a dream and that I'd see his chest rise and fall with breaths. When I handed my little boy to Mollie, the CNA, so she could take his body to the morgue. When I left the hospital and got in the car knowing I would have to walk into my house without him. When I went to the mortuary to dress him in white clothes that should have been for his blessing. When I greeted friends and family at the funeral and they met my son as he lay in his casket. When my brothers set his casket down at the cemetery knowing his body was going to be put into the cold ground. And finally, over the last 9 months as I've ached, cried, grieved, and mourned knowing that I have to make it through the rest of this life before I can see him again. 

However, I've never been more blessed to be a member of a church that believes that FAMILIES ARE FOREVER. I know that Scotlin grew inside me and his body had a spirit. His spirit left his body when his heart stopped beating and could no longer sustain life. But now he is my little boy on a mission for God, doing work to help bring His plan to action and to help others know Christ. No joy equals having a perfect son! No pain I have felt or will feel can ever take away the precious knowledge I have that I will see him again. I've been so blessed to have friends and family that love me and support Evan and me on this difficult journey. I know Scotlin is with us and I hope he'll be near me today especially. 

I hope my friend Sarah doesn't mind, but I'm going to borrow her poem. This is on the back of Benton's headstone. He's Scotlin's friend that passed away 8 days before Scotlin and they're buried right next to each other:

"What lasts?

Ice cream melts, Flowers wilt, The leaves of autumn fall.

Sunsets fade, Seasons change,  And children don't stay small.

Balloons pop, Snowfalls stop, Do summers last? Never!

Weekends fly, Today will die, but-Families are Forever!"

We love you little one!

Suncatchers

I've had this problem of late. I'm sure it pretty unique since I don't know a lot of people with children that have passed away. But I'll share it anyway, and maybe I can get some good feedback. Every time I take Scotlin flowers, they die so fast and they turn ugly and brown, which makes me feel sad the next time I go up to see him. It's to the point that it just seems silly to keep taking them up there. We bought him some new "lawn ornaments" (I guess you could call them that) today and they're way cute, but I've decided that I want to make him something. Something unique that no other little babies would have, and something that reminds him of his mom. The idea I came up with is to make him a suncatcher. Here's some pictures of some I found that I like:

I already bought Swarovski Crystals from Artbeads.com (which is my favorite bead website) because I though they would look best, because I just think they're so beautiful. I just worry about leaving it in the cemetery because, let's face it, people steal things. Is it worth the risk? I'm leaning towards the yes side, because I pretty much feel that anything is worth it for Scotlin, and because usually stuff up there is pretty safe. But I also worry that I would be mad/sad if I went up there and it was gone.  I'd also like to know if anyone has other ideas, or maybe suggestions of something they've seen that would work well for decorations at a grave site. And Lastly, I want to know which of the three styles above people think would look best if I decide to do a suncatcher. I think I could figure out a way to use any of them, but I'm torn. I really really would love feedback, so please leave a comment! Thanks everyone!