That Time of the Month Again

Here it is again, the 24th of the month. As I'm preparing to go to work for the night, I'm thinking about my little angel and about what a blessing he is in my life. Evan and I went to the cemetery and had a picnic with Scotlin for his 9 month birthday. I can't believe it's been 9 months since the day we held him in our arms for the first time. His precious, lifeless body that brought us so much joy but also so much sorrow. 

No pain in my life has equaled the moment I saw his motionless heart on the screen. When the doctor was speechless for any words except, "I'm sorry". When, after delivery, I held him for the first time and wanted it all to be a dream and that I'd see his chest rise and fall with breaths. When I handed my little boy to Mollie, the CNA, so she could take his body to the morgue. When I left the hospital and got in the car knowing I would have to walk into my house without him. When I went to the mortuary to dress him in white clothes that should have been for his blessing. When I greeted friends and family at the funeral and they met my son as he lay in his casket. When my brothers set his casket down at the cemetery knowing his body was going to be put into the cold ground. And finally, over the last 9 months as I've ached, cried, grieved, and mourned knowing that I have to make it through the rest of this life before I can see him again. 

However, I've never been more blessed to be a member of a church that believes that FAMILIES ARE FOREVER. I know that Scotlin grew inside me and his body had a spirit. His spirit left his body when his heart stopped beating and could no longer sustain life. But now he is my little boy on a mission for God, doing work to help bring His plan to action and to help others know Christ. No joy equals having a perfect son! No pain I have felt or will feel can ever take away the precious knowledge I have that I will see him again. I've been so blessed to have friends and family that love me and support Evan and me on this difficult journey. I know Scotlin is with us and I hope he'll be near me today especially. 

I hope my friend Sarah doesn't mind, but I'm going to borrow her poem. This is on the back of Benton's headstone. He's Scotlin's friend that passed away 8 days before Scotlin and they're buried right next to each other:

"What lasts?

Ice cream melts, Flowers wilt, The leaves of autumn fall.

Sunsets fade, Seasons change,  And children don't stay small.

Balloons pop, Snowfalls stop, Do summers last? Never!

Weekends fly, Today will die, but-Families are Forever!"

We love you little one!

Suncatchers

I've had this problem of late. I'm sure it pretty unique since I don't know a lot of people with children that have passed away. But I'll share it anyway, and maybe I can get some good feedback. Every time I take Scotlin flowers, they die so fast and they turn ugly and brown, which makes me feel sad the next time I go up to see him. It's to the point that it just seems silly to keep taking them up there. We bought him some new "lawn ornaments" (I guess you could call them that) today and they're way cute, but I've decided that I want to make him something. Something unique that no other little babies would have, and something that reminds him of his mom. The idea I came up with is to make him a suncatcher. Here's some pictures of some I found that I like:

I already bought Swarovski Crystals from Artbeads.com (which is my favorite bead website) because I though they would look best, because I just think they're so beautiful. I just worry about leaving it in the cemetery because, let's face it, people steal things. Is it worth the risk? I'm leaning towards the yes side, because I pretty much feel that anything is worth it for Scotlin, and because usually stuff up there is pretty safe. But I also worry that I would be mad/sad if I went up there and it was gone.  I'd also like to know if anyone has other ideas, or maybe suggestions of something they've seen that would work well for decorations at a grave site. And Lastly, I want to know which of the three styles above people think would look best if I decide to do a suncatcher. I think I could figure out a way to use any of them, but I'm torn. I really really would love feedback, so please leave a comment! Thanks everyone!

Life seems so busy lately!

Hello everybody! I've been so busy lately with my new job and summer school (in that order) that I haven't had a lot of time to blog lately. We celebrated Father's Day last Sunday, which was a new experience in our little family. I made Ev a picture frame and I made him german pancakes for breakfast. That was a first for me but Ev liked them so I guess I'll make them again sometime. I really like my new job. I've gotten the opportunity to learn a lot of new things as well as to meet a lot of amazing people. I get to take staples out of ladies' incisions from C-sections, insert catheters and take out IV's. I really enjoy the work and my coworkers are great! I started anatomy a couple weeks ago. It's been really good: I got 88.5% on my first test, which is a really good score for this professor. I guess I can't say I don't have free time because I've been crocheting a lot. I've been working on a few different projects. I'll post pictures and you tell me what you think!

Headbands, mostly

HEADBANDS!!

I've been working on a new hobby making headbands. Most of them are crocheted, but my friend Autumn sent me a link that had this ( ^ ) idea on it and I loved it. I got the headbands from the dollar store and went to town cutting up a shirt that didn't fit me anymore and wrapping it up into flowers and around the store-bought headbands. Let me know what you think!


Now these ones ( v ) are my own original idea. It's nothing new, just a single crochet stitch upon which you gradually increase until it's the width you want and then you start decreasing. On one end I skipped a few stitches to make button holes (yes, holes, as in plural so that it's adjustable) and on the other end I sew a button. Super easy and super cute. Not to mention a fraction of the cost to make as they would be to buy.

I like the crochet ones because they're so darn comfy to wear. 

So, other than crafting away, Ev and I have been busy working. I started a new job on the Mother/Baby unit at the hospital. Mostly it's going okay, but sometimes I feel sad. I like the women I work with and the work is rewarding. I feel grateful to have a good job. We've been hiking a few times and we're going again this Saturday with some friends from the ward. I'm really looking forward to it! Here's some pictures from the hike we did the other day.

We're feeling very fortunate for the time we've been able to spend together lately and have been trying to soak it up because it's coming to a very abrupt end. I start my one summer school course this week and it's going to take up A LOT of my time. Either way, we're grateful that Logan's finally warming up and we can enjoy the SuNshInE!!

I remember-

I could probably look this up before I write this post, but I'm not sure of the history of Memorial Day or exactly why it's celebrated. But I do know that in our family, from this Memorial Day on, we will celebrate the precious life of our sweet baby Scotlin.

I remember a year ago when I was only (almost) 3 months pregnant with him. I hadn't yet felt him move, but I knew he was there. I had pictures of him and I had had the opportunity to hear his little heart beating 160 BPM.

I remember the doctor saying, "at this point in your pregnancy you have less than a 3% chance of miscarriage. I remember thinking that was a silly thing to say to a pregnant woman; who would ever want to hear their chances of having their pregnancy abort itself.

I remember at my 15 week mark I had felt Scotlin move. [It was a magical experience that I will never EVER take for granted. Besides that awful November day when I wanted nothing in the world more than to feel him move, I know the pain that comes to those who will never, in this life, have the opportunity to bear their own children.]

I remember at my 17 week mark, he was kicking hard enough that Evan was able to feel him move too. My pregnancy progressed perfectly and without too much complaint. I had the typical discomforts but I choose not to dwell on those.

I remember taking baths to relax and Scotlin would do somersaults and kick like nobody's business. I like to think back on those times and say, that because he moved so much when mommy was in the bath, that he liked to take baths too.

I remember singing to my baby and he would stop and listen. I know my little boy heard my voice and I know he knew it was his mommy singing to him.

I remember when he got strong enough that when he'd kick it would hurt me. Without fail, Evan would touch my belly and tell Scotlin to settle down and he'd do it. He is a very obedient little boy.

I remember praying that I'd be a good mom and that I'd be able to love this baby enough and that he'd never doubt I loved him.

I remember the love I felt when I held him in my arms for the first time. No sadness, and no circumstance could have changed that love. I was a simple feeling. I was holding an angel and I knew my Savior was holding me.

While some may see Memorial Day as a day to remember the dead, I will forever see it as a day to remember the life of my precious son who was too valiant, too strong, too noble and too pure to come to this world. He learned everything he needed to know and had all the experience that was required of him while he was growing inside of me. For this, I will be grateful and for my Savior, I will ever be thankful; it's because of him that I get to have my son for all of eternity. Rest well, Prince. I love you forever!

Happy 6 month Heavenly Birthday to Scotlin!

So, this post might end up being sad, not because I'm a sad person, but the situation is not the happiest in the world. Now that I've given you a fair warning, I wanted to post pictures of mine and Evan's bike ride to First Dam this last weekend. We have a friend who's sister moved to Provo for the summer and didn't want to cart her bike down there so she's letting me use it for the summer and it's been SO FUN!!!

We really are best friend!

So, today is May 23rd. It's usually not a very significant day. It's not highlighted on calendars, or celebrated, or really even recognized except as just another day in May. But in our house, it has great significance because it was 6 months ago today that we found out our little boy had died. At 2:00 that afternoon I had been admitted to Labor and Delivery at Logan Regional Hospital and my labor had been induced. I was struggling with the realization that my son had died and that I would still have to go through the treacheries of labor. (I know, I make that sound worse that it was). I was so blessed that night to have my husband, parents, siblings, close friends and our loving bishop and his wife near as we dealt with the loss, the sadness and tears, the pain, and the heartache. Tomorrow we will celebrate his 6 month Heavenly Birthday as he was born at 3am on November 24th. A couple months ago I was feeling very conflicted one night. I felt sad that Scotlin was gone but it was one of those days were I was able to see the "big picture" and I just knew in my heart that this pain would be short-lived and we would see him again soon. That's when I jotted this down in my journal:

My little angel

My darling child born sleeping,

The moment I said goodbye

Your fellow angels were weeping

My heart felt heavy

And my eyes shed tears

Though I knew you'd stay with me

In the coming years

The days are the worst

When my arms ache to hold you

Nothing softens the pain

And comforts are few

Your daddy's here with me.

Sometimes he cries

Each time I see his pain

A part of me dies

There's only one thing

That I can find

To bring comfort and peace to my mind:

Two-thousand year ago

Jesus gave his life,

So we could be together 

After all this strife

And because mommy and daddy

Were sealed together
Our little family
Will last FOREVER!

So I hope you can't wait
'Til this trial in life is done,
And you'll get the biggest hug ever
From your loving Mom!

I love you little Scotlin!

If anyone wants to share memories or thoughts about Scotlin, you're welcome to send them to me at whitlee.e@hotmail.com


 

I stink at blogging

Hello there everybody! A lot has happened in the last few weeks, so I'm sorry I haven't been keeping the 'ol blog. Here's a little glimpse of the past few weeks:

WOMEN'S CONFERENCE:  I attended BYU Women's Conference with my mother- and grandmother-in-law at the end of April. If you've never been, there's no way to describe it. It's a very uplifting experience, and nice (although interesting) to be around 15,000 other faithful women. The service project is always my favorite part. I made a new friend named Crystal. Her husband had registered her for a birthday present and then stayed home with the kids so she could attend. Next year, Women's Conference is the 28-29 of April if anyone wants to go!

I GOT A NEW JOB: YAY!!!  This is the 2nd best news of the past few weeks. I had two interviews and I honestly didn't think I'd get the offer, but I did. I'll be working on the mom and baby unit at Logan Regional Hospital. I was so blessed with compassionate, loving staff that took care of me while I was in the hospital after having Scotlin, so I feel very fortunate to have gotten a job doing what I love with some of the most amazing women I've ever met.  Many people have mentioned, "are you sure you're ready for that?", and "wow, don't you think that will be hard?". The answer is YES to both. It will be very challenging...in fact, I'm sure some days will be downright difficult. But I'm also positive that this is the right step for me to take in my life and I know that the Lord will bless me to be able to handle the difficulties I'll face so that I can bless the lives of women and their families the way my nurses blessed me.

EVAN GRADUATED: This is the BEST news- Evan graduated from USU on May 8th. He received his bachelors in Biology with a minor in Chemistry. For now the plan is for him to work for the next year at Sunshine Terrace 40 hrs a week unless we can find him a job doing something else. This winter, he'd like to get a job up at the ski resort as a ski instructor. I think he'd enjoy it, so we'll see if that works out. Other than that, he'll just work so I can finish school.

MOTHERS DAY:  I knew this was going to be a hard day for me, and I was right. I almost didn't go to church that morning because I was sad, but Heavenly Father had different plans. Just as I was telling Evan that I didn't think I wanted to go to church, my phone whistled at me. (It does that when I get a text message) It was a counselor in the bishopric asking me to meet with the bishop just before church. Of course I couldn't say no. He extended a calling as 1st counselor in the Relief Society presidency, which I accepted. I'm excited for the opportunity to serve. We have an absolutely amazing ward, and especially an amazing RS president, so I probably won't have to do anything. :)  After church, we were lucky enough to have Autumn, Doug, Morgan, Bobby and little Robert over for games and dessert. We're very lucky to have such amazing friends and they helped keep me happy and busy so I didn't feel too sad. As hard as that day was, they made it all better. I do feel very fortunate and very humbled to have an ANGEL for a son. Scotlin is perfect and beautiful. I feel his presence every day and I know he is doing important work for our brothers and sisters in the gospel on the other side of the veil. I love him more that words can express.

Here are some pictures, because...let's be honest...most people don't read blogs, they just look at the pictures! :)